This afternoon, I started taking out the CD cases stuck in my car door to see what I actually had stuffed into that compartment and I found the little journal that I used to keep in my purse. I had started the journal on July 7, 2009 and used it to record my thoughts during our journey to have children. I had completely forgotten about this little purple notebook and was so surprised to find it there behind expired coupons and empty CD cases.
I didn’t mention this earlier on this blog, but we had originally started the process of adoption in 2009 after (unsuccessfully) trying to conceive biological children. It was a long, frustrating journey and the story is pretty complicated so I just didn’t want to get into all of that on here.
But, I wanted to give you that little background because I had to share an entry from this journal. I was in tears sitting in my car reading this today. I opened the journal to this page and think it is incredible to truly see God’s hand at work in the life of our family.
Reading this entry was equivalent to receiving another tiny piece to add to the giant puzzle of my life. I always imagine that we will all have these beautiful, completed puzzles that tell the whole story of our life on earth once we arrive in Heaven. Until then, we just get little pieces along the way and are too close to see the bigger, completed image.
I transcribed the entry word for word below, so please forgive me for grammatical errors and for it being a little long.
November 9, 2009
We are going to try IVF.
Out of the blue, a few weeks ago, Natalie from Parkhill called to tell me that Sarah from the Little Rock Infertility Clinic would be in town for meetings and Dr. H had given her our file to review. She told us that, based on our history, we had a 50% chance of conceiving a baby and that my new insurance covers IVF completely.
Dave was thrilled and felt like this was our answered prayer.
I was left more confused than ever.
I don’t understand why we’ve learned about the millions of orphans in the world and gone through all that we have just to come back to making a baby through science. It all feels hypocritical and selfish to me.
As I’ve been praying and trying to understand God’s will in all of this, these things have happened:
– I turned on the TV and decided to watch a TIVO’d episode of “Adoption Stories” – the episode was about a couple that chose not to do IVF and instead adopted from Russia.
– I received our first copy of “Adoptive Families” magazine.
– At that point, I thought “God just sent me a sign” and then I looked up as I was leaving the house to go back to work and found a packet from an adoption agency at our door that I hadn’t seen earlier. The agency’s name is “All God’s Children International.” *
– In that packet, was the book, “The Strength of Mercy” by Jan Beazley. This book has captivated me – it is the story of a woman and her family following God’s will and finding themselves adopting an orphan from Romania and starting the agency, AGCI. It’s amazing because it is exactly what I needed to hear – He is in charge.
I cannot time or orchestrate this plan. I know He planted this seed of longing in my heart to help a child (or many!) in the world and I have been searching frantically trying to find the child (through Rainbowkids.com and other waiting children lists) on my own terms and my own timeline but I don’t know God’s plan.
I just have this one piece of the puzzle, I’m too close to see the bigger picture. The completed puzzle.
But I do know that He will tear down all walls and government barriers that separate us from our child when the time is right. I trust in Him and can find comfort in the peace that only He can provide.
I just opened Jan Beazley’s book to find passages that were especially encouraging and this is what I opened to, “…the Holy Spirit pursued our hearts. Even in our weakest hour of doubt, when our confidence grew dim, He lovingly breathed on the smouldering embers of our faith and we once again caught hold of the Father’s hand…we knew God was testing our willingness to trust Him, no matter the outcome.”
Also, Jan had a difficult time convincing her husband at first that they should adopt. I have not been in that boat until now.
Now, Dave wants to try again for a biological child. I think that may be God’s plan – why else would He have reopened this door?
But, selfishly, I am dreading the medicines, doctor’s visits, hospitals, dissapointment, fear, heartache, pain. I just don’t know how I will go through it all again. Even as I write this, I am reminded that our merciful Lord wil hold my hand and keep me strong throughout it all.
He will be by my side.
Jan stated in her book, “God faithfully reminded me that He is in charge, that my husband’s heart is His department and not mine.”
I thought that was profound. I have been trying to convince Dave that this doesn’t feel right but it doesn’t matter. His heart is set on trying and I think if we don’t try we will always wonder, “what if?”
God is in charge of our path and He will place a call on both of our hearts when the time is right. **
*At the time I wrote this, we were already in process with another agency and this was a completely unexpected packet from AGCI. This is the agency we are now working with! Can you see God’s hand at work?
**We did both receive a call on our hearts this past October. It was incredibly clear.
I am so thankful for the journey we have been on to get to this place. We were able to conceive our precious, precious boys through the miracle of IVF. And, we are now obediently following the path that God destined for our family before the beginning of time. I just didn’t understand it all when we first started on this journey three years ago.
|*For the first time EVER, we had family photos taken last weekend by the talented Amie Hansen!! I’ll share more soon!|
Blessings to you all!