I’ve sat down to write this post many times over the past
week. I’ve opened my computer and placed on my hands on the keyboard and… I’ve
stopped. I have stared at the screen and found myself unable to write these
words. I can’t explain why that is.
week. I’ve opened my computer and placed on my hands on the keyboard and… I’ve
stopped. I have stared at the screen and found myself unable to write these
words. I can’t explain why that is.
Granted, my brain has been mush for the past couple of
weeks. I haven’t been able to concentrate or put a coherent thought together.
Last week, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was incredibly emotional as we
prayed about whether we should move forward with adopting S. This week, I wasn’t
sleeping {that whole “not eating “ thing didn’t last long and I made up for a
week without an appetite in one evening on Thanksgiving} because the boys have
been sick and their symptoms seemed to exacerbate in the middle of the night.
weeks. I haven’t been able to concentrate or put a coherent thought together.
Last week, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was incredibly emotional as we
prayed about whether we should move forward with adopting S. This week, I wasn’t
sleeping {that whole “not eating “ thing didn’t last long and I made up for a
week without an appetite in one evening on Thanksgiving} because the boys have
been sick and their symptoms seemed to exacerbate in the middle of the night.
Although, I think the real reason I haven’t put words to our
experience is simply that I don’t have the words. I can’t conjure the right
words to describe all of the miraculous, mysterious, holy moments we shared
with our Abba Father last week as we sought His will for our family and for our
precious S. I’m afraid this post
won’t give enough glory to how truly awesome our God is.
experience is simply that I don’t have the words. I can’t conjure the right
words to describe all of the miraculous, mysterious, holy moments we shared
with our Abba Father last week as we sought His will for our family and for our
precious S. I’m afraid this post
won’t give enough glory to how truly awesome our God is.
And yet, I have to write this post to document what God has
done and how we came to this place where we know our daughter’s face and ache
more than mere words could ever describe to hold her in our arms. We have
fallen in love with our girl through a couple of photographs and a longing to
know her. The only way to describe this is to liken it to the feelings of love
a pregnant mother has for her unborn child. She doesn’t know this child’s
personality or temperament or what he or she will feel like in her arms. Yet,
she knows that she loves this child with every fiber of her being. She
anticipates the child’s arrival into the world by preparing the nursery and
daydreaming about her baby. She frames ultrasound photos and prays for her
child’s health. This is where we are now. We have a framed photo of our girl
and it’s not an ultrasound. It’s a photograph of her perfect face and big, sad
eyes and it is framed and hung on our wall. We pray for her when we wake in the
morning and in whispers and pleas throughout the day. We pray for her at
mealtimes, fervently pleading that she is being fed. We pray for her as we
cuddle our boys at night, beseeching our God to ensure that she is being held
and comforted when she cries. We pray for her as we lay our heads on our
pillows at night, asking that she is safe as she sleeps.
done and how we came to this place where we know our daughter’s face and ache
more than mere words could ever describe to hold her in our arms. We have
fallen in love with our girl through a couple of photographs and a longing to
know her. The only way to describe this is to liken it to the feelings of love
a pregnant mother has for her unborn child. She doesn’t know this child’s
personality or temperament or what he or she will feel like in her arms. Yet,
she knows that she loves this child with every fiber of her being. She
anticipates the child’s arrival into the world by preparing the nursery and
daydreaming about her baby. She frames ultrasound photos and prays for her
child’s health. This is where we are now. We have a framed photo of our girl
and it’s not an ultrasound. It’s a photograph of her perfect face and big, sad
eyes and it is framed and hung on our wall. We pray for her when we wake in the
morning and in whispers and pleas throughout the day. We pray for her at
mealtimes, fervently pleading that she is being fed. We pray for her as we
cuddle our boys at night, beseeching our God to ensure that she is being held
and comforted when she cries. We pray for her as we lay our heads on our
pillows at night, asking that she is safe as she sleeps.
So please grab a cup of coffee and sit back because I’m
fairly certain that this is going to be a {really} long post. Here is a little more
about our journey to S…
fairly certain that this is going to be a {really} long post. Here is a little more
about our journey to S…
I am incredibly thankful that God placed waiting children on
our hearts through precious T, whom my sweet friend, T’s momma, is in Ethiopia
and meeting for the first time as I type these words! After that experience of
feeling our hearts stirred for waiting children, we prayed for God to show us
if our child was waiting and if we were on the right path with our agency. We
felt peaceful that we chose AGCI for a reason. {And, I now believe it is, in
part, for the incredible friendships I’ve gained from the other mommas with our
agency. We also received amazing preparation and education and very detailed
dossier preparation}.
our hearts through precious T, whom my sweet friend, T’s momma, is in Ethiopia
and meeting for the first time as I type these words! After that experience of
feeling our hearts stirred for waiting children, we prayed for God to show us
if our child was waiting and if we were on the right path with our agency. We
felt peaceful that we chose AGCI for a reason. {And, I now believe it is, in
part, for the incredible friendships I’ve gained from the other mommas with our
agency. We also received amazing preparation and education and very detailed
dossier preparation}.
Meanwhile, we also felt encouraged when our agency recently
announced an updated policy surrounding concurrent adoptions. If a family
pursued a waiting child, there was now an opportunity to continue to wait in
the Ethiopia program and not lose money or time invested up to that point.
announced an updated policy surrounding concurrent adoptions. If a family
pursued a waiting child, there was now an opportunity to continue to wait in
the Ethiopia program and not lose money or time invested up to that point.
And, last Monday, November 12th, I found myself
checking a waiting child website that I check sporadically. I typically only log on to this site
after receiving an email about a child that matches our parameters, however, I
felt a leading to check the site on Monday morning even though I had not
received an email and had not checked the site in months. After logging in, I
typically land on a page that features waiting children matching our profile
{there are not many kiddos that do because of our tight age parameters}. For
some reason {of course, it was not coincidental}, I landed on the main page and
the very first photo was of our S. She was not listed on our profile page and I
don’t know why. She had been placed on this site about an hour before I logged
on and I immediately read her information and called Dave to tell him about
her. We agreed that we should inquire and get more information about her {we
didn’t know which country she was in, only that she was in Africa}.
checking a waiting child website that I check sporadically. I typically only log on to this site
after receiving an email about a child that matches our parameters, however, I
felt a leading to check the site on Monday morning even though I had not
received an email and had not checked the site in months. After logging in, I
typically land on a page that features waiting children matching our profile
{there are not many kiddos that do because of our tight age parameters}. For
some reason {of course, it was not coincidental}, I landed on the main page and
the very first photo was of our S. She was not listed on our profile page and I
don’t know why. She had been placed on this site about an hour before I logged
on and I immediately read her information and called Dave to tell him about
her. We agreed that we should inquire and get more information about her {we
didn’t know which country she was in, only that she was in Africa}.
After talking with her agency, I learned more about her
story and also that forty other families had inquired. We prayed and discussed
what we should do. We started researching her country and the agency. And, we
prayed some more.
story and also that forty other families had inquired. We prayed and discussed
what we should do. We started researching her country and the agency. And, we
prayed some more.
On Tuesday, we called the agency again {after lunch and
sitting in my car talking over many, many questions with our facilitator) and
told them that we wanted to adopt S. We were the first qualifying family to say
“yes” to our girl and her file was put on hold until we submitted our referral
paperwork and payment.
sitting in my car talking over many, many questions with our facilitator) and
told them that we wanted to adopt S. We were the first qualifying family to say
“yes” to our girl and her file was put on hold until we submitted our referral
paperwork and payment.
Then, we “met” several families {this adoption community is
incredible and people go out of their way to help and assist and answer questions},
that had hard stories to share about the orphanage where S is living {our
agency facilitator also warned us about the orphanage and we have asked
{begged} for her to be moved but it is not an option}. We also learned that
adoptions from S’s country are very risky and we were advised again and again
to be cautious and to do our research before proceeding. I was on the phone
until midnight with a new friend in Oklahoma who shared her story with me and,
after hanging up from that phone call, I was heartbroken and confused and
scared to move forward. I didn’t know if God was answering my prayers for
clarity with this phone call of warning or if the fear was from Satan trying to
deter our path {and please don’t misunderstand, this call was not meant to
dissuade us from adopting S, it was simply a way for another family to share
their story with us to ensure we had all of the information and our eyes were
open to the risks before we moved forward}.
incredible and people go out of their way to help and assist and answer questions},
that had hard stories to share about the orphanage where S is living {our
agency facilitator also warned us about the orphanage and we have asked
{begged} for her to be moved but it is not an option}. We also learned that
adoptions from S’s country are very risky and we were advised again and again
to be cautious and to do our research before proceeding. I was on the phone
until midnight with a new friend in Oklahoma who shared her story with me and,
after hanging up from that phone call, I was heartbroken and confused and
scared to move forward. I didn’t know if God was answering my prayers for
clarity with this phone call of warning or if the fear was from Satan trying to
deter our path {and please don’t misunderstand, this call was not meant to
dissuade us from adopting S, it was simply a way for another family to share
their story with us to ensure we had all of the information and our eyes were
open to the risks before we moved forward}.
The next morning, Dave and I decided that we should not
proceed and we needed to stay on our current path with AGCI to adopt from
Ethiopia. We felt such unease about proceeding and thought this was what God
was asking us to do. My heart was broken. And, I published this post. We planned to call S’s
agency that evening together because I simply could not call and say the words
that meant we were turning away. Dave agreed that he would come home early so
we could call together.
proceed and we needed to stay on our current path with AGCI to adopt from
Ethiopia. We felt such unease about proceeding and thought this was what God
was asking us to do. My heart was broken. And, I published this post. We planned to call S’s
agency that evening together because I simply could not call and say the words
that meant we were turning away. Dave agreed that he would come home early so
we could call together.
But, God had better plans.
Instead of coming home early, Dave called to tell me that he
would be late. He had to finish a house that was closing on Friday and there
was no way he could get away. Too many things had come up. He also told me that
he had attended a closing that afternoon that took up some of his day.
would be late. He had to finish a house that was closing on Friday and there
was no way he could get away. Too many things had come up. He also told me that
he had attended a closing that afternoon that took up some of his day.
When Dave arrived home that evening, he walked in the door
and asked, “So, what are we going to do?”
and asked, “So, what are we going to do?”
My reaction was not pretty. I thought we had made a decision
and I was trying really hard to move on. I was trying to be at peace with that
decision and now Dave stood there and opened the door just enough for
me to see the light of hope shine through. Why would he ask me that?! He knew I
was ready to move forward IF he was. And, only
if we were on the same page.
and I was trying really hard to move on. I was trying to be at peace with that
decision and now Dave stood there and opened the door just enough for
me to see the light of hope shine through. Why would he ask me that?! He knew I
was ready to move forward IF he was. And, only
if we were on the same page.
That’s when he told me about the closing. He unexpectedly
received a call from one of his friends and partners about a closing that he
had completely forgotten about. They had sold some land and needed to sign the
final paperwork. Dave left that meeting with a check for just slightly more
than the amount we would need for S’s referral payment! And, let me be clear
that this was a rather significant amount of money. The referral payment was
something we had questioned and prayed about – where would we find referral money by Friday when we haven’t planned
for this? We both felt that this was God leading and we could not ignore
His provision.
received a call from one of his friends and partners about a closing that he
had completely forgotten about. They had sold some land and needed to sign the
final paperwork. Dave left that meeting with a check for just slightly more
than the amount we would need for S’s referral payment! And, let me be clear
that this was a rather significant amount of money. The referral payment was
something we had questioned and prayed about – where would we find referral money by Friday when we haven’t planned
for this? We both felt that this was God leading and we could not ignore
His provision.
And, so, we sought out prayers. We asked for clarity and
discernment. We could feel others
praying.
discernment. We could feel others
praying.
I spent several hours on Thursday on my knees in a gorgeous
glass chapel on the top of a hill near our home. I prayed and read scripture. I
was led to spend time in the book of Isaiah and I listened to the song “Whom
Shall I Fear” over and over. The God of
angel armies is always by my side has become my adoption mantra. I was
reminded again and again that God is GOOD. Fear and doubt and confusion are NOT
from Him. He is bigger than a corrupt government or orphanage director. He is
bigger than the risks. He is a God of miracles today just as much as in the Old
Testament. He still reigns on His throne.
glass chapel on the top of a hill near our home. I prayed and read scripture. I
was led to spend time in the book of Isaiah and I listened to the song “Whom
Shall I Fear” over and over. The God of
angel armies is always by my side has become my adoption mantra. I was
reminded again and again that God is GOOD. Fear and doubt and confusion are NOT
from Him. He is bigger than a corrupt government or orphanage director. He is
bigger than the risks. He is a God of miracles today just as much as in the Old
Testament. He still reigns on His throne.
Dave and I surrendered our lives to Him long ago. We
surrendered this adoption process at His feet. He has slowly, thoughtfully,
perfectly shown us His plan for our family over time. He knew that we had to
walk through the valley of the shadow of death before we could find His light
and understand His sovereignty in ALL things. If He would have told me ten
years ago that He would ask me to spend thousands of dollars and months and
months of time to attempt to bring a little girl home from a war-torn country
in the depths of poverty and corruption to become our daughter, I would have
been overwhelmed to say the least. Yet, today, here I am. Still a little
overwhelmed but wholly trusting and confident that He is GOOD.
surrendered this adoption process at His feet. He has slowly, thoughtfully,
perfectly shown us His plan for our family over time. He knew that we had to
walk through the valley of the shadow of death before we could find His light
and understand His sovereignty in ALL things. If He would have told me ten
years ago that He would ask me to spend thousands of dollars and months and
months of time to attempt to bring a little girl home from a war-torn country
in the depths of poverty and corruption to become our daughter, I would have
been overwhelmed to say the least. Yet, today, here I am. Still a little
overwhelmed but wholly trusting and confident that He is GOOD.
I called Dave from that little chapel and told him that I
believe S is our daughter and we have to try to get her out of there. Even if
it’s scary and risky and dangerous. Even if we don’t have a guarantee that we
will get her home. We have to try. We can’t turn away.
believe S is our daughter and we have to try to get her out of there. Even if
it’s scary and risky and dangerous. Even if we don’t have a guarantee that we
will get her home. We have to try. We can’t turn away.
And, he agreed.
I cried tears of relief and gratefulness.
Since we made that decision, we have both felt overwhelming
peace and confidence that this is God’s path for our family and that S is our
daughter. And, we continue to receive whispers and reminders from our loving
Father through messages from friends, sermons at church, and calls from loved
ones.
peace and confidence that this is God’s path for our family and that S is our
daughter. And, we continue to receive whispers and reminders from our loving
Father through messages from friends, sermons at church, and calls from loved
ones.
He also reminds us that He will provide every penny to bring
our girl home. We can trust Him. This was never our money anyway. Remember when
I announced our raffle winner on Saturday? I told y’all the great news that we
had raised $500 with this online raffle. After publishing that post, I received
an email from our home study agency stating that we now owed an additional $500
to update our home study for a country change. $500. I received that email on
Friday but my email wasn’t working and I didn’t see it until Saturday evening after I calculated the amount received
in donations!
our girl home. We can trust Him. This was never our money anyway. Remember when
I announced our raffle winner on Saturday? I told y’all the great news that we
had raised $500 with this online raffle. After publishing that post, I received
an email from our home study agency stating that we now owed an additional $500
to update our home study for a country change. $500. I received that email on
Friday but my email wasn’t working and I didn’t see it until Saturday evening after I calculated the amount received
in donations!
We have also spoken with two families that will be traveling
in the next couple of months to S’s orphanage. They can bring donations of
formula and supplies for us and they can bring her a care package {with a photo
album and dolls, etc} from us!!!! I’m THRILLED about this and want her to know
that we are here on the other side of the world longing to meet her and working
hard to get her home!
in the next couple of months to S’s orphanage. They can bring donations of
formula and supplies for us and they can bring her a care package {with a photo
album and dolls, etc} from us!!!! I’m THRILLED about this and want her to know
that we are here on the other side of the world longing to meet her and working
hard to get her home!
I was reminded again this morning of God’s faithfulness as I
watched my boys laugh and play together. I was reminded of the doctors {the experts} preparing us to expect the
worst when I went into pre-term labor. I was reminded of the fear and the panic
swirling around me as I lay on the gurney being wheeled to the Angel One
helicopter; while I was filled with a supernatural peace that absolutely
surpassed any and all understanding. I heard my Heavenly Father whisper, “I am
with you.” And, I knew He would perform a miracle for these two boys that He
entrusted us with. I was reminded that against all odds, these two boys are
healthy and happy and loving and perfect. They are miracles.
watched my boys laugh and play together. I was reminded of the doctors {the experts} preparing us to expect the
worst when I went into pre-term labor. I was reminded of the fear and the panic
swirling around me as I lay on the gurney being wheeled to the Angel One
helicopter; while I was filled with a supernatural peace that absolutely
surpassed any and all understanding. I heard my Heavenly Father whisper, “I am
with you.” And, I knew He would perform a miracle for these two boys that He
entrusted us with. I was reminded that against all odds, these two boys are
healthy and happy and loving and perfect. They are miracles.
God is still in the miracle business and He is about to
perform another one for our family. I know it and I trust in His ability to
protect our girl and bring her home.
perform another one for our family. I know it and I trust in His ability to
protect our girl and bring her home.
Will you join us in praying for her? We are immensely grateful for the prayers.
with love,
