Blessings and Raindrops

seeking joy in the midst of the ordinary

Archives for December 2013

the scope of my current sightline.

Sitting on the floor of my darkened closet. Door closed. Weeping. Unable to form the words.

Through the sobs… faint whispers.

“…please Jesus…please…”

The words won’t come.

The only prayer that bubbles up to the surface…

“just…help me. Help me.”

“…help me to get off of this floor…just help me to stand up.”

I can’t move.

I can’t move forward. The world is spinning with grief and confusion and sorrow.

He answers.

Dave, my kind, gentle, rock-solid-faith husband, finds me. He doesn’t say anything. He simply offers his hand. I place my hand in his and am pulled to my feet.

My Jesus hears me. He sees me. He knows that I need someone – this man – whom I trust to hold me near and not ask me to explain my sorrow. The words won’t come. The tears flow … and, gently, silently, the little closet is transformed into Holy ground. We stand together. United by our Father’s love for us, for our children, for our daughter. We stand firm in Him. Holding tightly to one another. Knowing that God is near.

In the light of dawn, the sorrow makes way for truth.

I read these words, I cling to these words…

“Being transcendent means HE gets to decide how His “beyondness” fleshes itself out in our lives. And that should be more than okay for us — because His purposes and plans, as well as His love and grace, are so far outside the limits of where our puny minds can go, we’re actually a whole lot better off just leaving the “how and when” details entirely in His hands. In fact, when we arrogantly place demands on God with our requests, we are actually doing ourselves a disservice. To limit His work to the range of our mind’s capacity to plan and comprehend is to limit our own experience of the extravagant capacity of God’s miracle-working potential, which spans all the way to eternity and back.
 
If we knew everything He was up to, we couldn’t bear the weight of it.”
 
“But I do know that when you and I approach God for help, filled with our cares and distresses, our prayers are not confined to this calendar date, to this particular month and year. What may seem to be His silence and avoidance from where you sit today is already reverberating in future places. If not right here, if not right now, you can be sure His ability is taking visible, tangible shape somewhere, even if it is beyond the scope of your current sightline.”
{Priscilla Shirer; God is Able}
 
My prayer tonight is that His extravagant, miracle-working ability is taking place just beyond the scope of my current sightline. I will continue to wait in expectant hope. 

the news.

Oh my goodness. You all can make a girl and her littles feel LOVED. Thank you for the kind words and the outpouring of joy and excitement for this little one on the way. We are most certainly blessed!

I had to share a few details about the day we learned about this lil’ miracle babe.

It was right before we left for our beach vacation. I needed to run to Walgreens to pick up a few cards while the boys were at pre-school. While I was there, I had a VERY random nudge to buy a pregnancy test. I honestly never-in-a-million-years thought it would be positive. I didn’t know why I was buying it. I hadn’t bought one in over four years and had no reason to buy one now. But, still. I did it. I picked up the box and carried it to the front register.

And, lo and behold, the sweet cashier who typically checks me out when I’m printing photos for S’s care packages or getting a new passport photo or a VISA photo — the one who always asks about our girl — was working the register. She asked about S and our process and we talked as she scanned my cards…then, she stopped and looked at me in surprise when she scanned ‘the box.’ She asked, “what does this mean?!”

I panicked.

Y’all. It was an out of body experience. I lost all sense of time and space and forgot that I am a grown adult.

I replied – a little too quickly — in a shaky voice, “it’s… for a friend.”

No joke. Out loud — for.a.friend.

Oh my word. I then continued to word vomit a ridiculous explanation about my “friend” and how I was going to Walgreens anyway so I just thought I’d pick it up for her.

What on earth?!

I walked out of the store vowing to never, ever return. Especially IF I really was pregnant. How would I explain myself?

Moving on… I came home and took the test right away. Checked it. Washed my hands. Checked again. One line. Done.

I went on with my day and started cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen.

About five minutes later, the little nudge was back. Maybe I should have actually waited the full two minutes recommended on the box before checking the results… but, no. It wouldn’t have made a difference… or… would it?

I went back to the bathroom to do a quick check and, I am not proud to admit, shouted rather loudly when I saw the two pink lines. And, I will not repeat what I shouted. 🙂

I was shocked. shocked. shocked.

I gulped down another glass of water and took the other test in the box…waited the two minutes… and then proceeded to hyperventilate.

I called Dave as I was driving to meet him at his job site, and told him to meet me outside because I had something to show him. {He later told me that he thought I had an email saying we could go get S and never in a zillion years imagined what I was actually coming to show him}.

He met me outside and I showed him the two tests. He started laughing. I started crying.

The next morning, we headed to the beach and I wrote this post. Reading it now takes me right back to that place. I didn’t want to share the news yet but I did want to record what I was learning and where we were walking. I’m thankful for the gentle way my Abba Father continues to hold me and guide me as He allows His plans for my life to unfold…and His plans truly are bigger and grander than I could have ever imagined.

 

snow days…

We got hit with a big snowstorm Thursday night and Friday morning. This is the most snow I remember getting here in NW Arkansas in a long time {I still can’t believe we’ve lived here for almost 10 years – that is just crazy!}.

The snow is so pretty and the boys absolutely love it. To be honest, I am not a fan of all the work it takes to get dressed to go outside {and then, the inevitable potty breaks needed right after we finally get all of their gear on} BUT it is pretty magical and fun. I’ve been obnoxious on instagram with snow pictures the past few days but I don’t want to forget all of these moments. {I still don’t have my computer back – I am starting to get overwhelmed with how many pictures are on my camera that will need to be downloaded and organized…!!} for now… a few snow day photos…

We’ve spent a LOT of time in front of the fire lately…I just love a cozy fire!

Watching the snow fall the first night of the big storm … awestruck.

Using their tractors and dump trucks to “make a road” in the snow…

My view…first thing yesterday morning. Beautiful!

We went sledding at my sister-in-law’s house yesterday. It was the boy’s first time and they LOVED it. Nathan went down the hill about fifty times… he cracked up every time. Ben took a little while to warm up to the whole thing but eventually decided he loved it, especially when he went down with his cousin, Drew. They were cold and exhausted afterward…but, oh so happy…

Stay warm, friends!

our hope is in Him.

As I sit gazing out the window at the miraculous display of wintery white flakes falling softly, silently to the ground, I am still. Resting in the goodness of the Keeper of the storehouse of all of this snow.

God has been working in my heart in a new way over the past couple of days. I have received His grace. I can sense His presence in this place.

He knows. He sees.

He knows the hurt and the longing.

He knows how I ache for my daughter to be here giggling with her brothers as we set up the Christmas train around the tree.

 He knows how much it hurts to hang the ornaments on the tree. He knows that it reminds me that I am another day closer to the day.

He sees how much it hurts to lug out the heavy totes stuffed with lights and ribbon and sparkly, shiny décor. He knows that it all reminds me that she isn’t here. She isn’t here for this celebration.

He knows.

The time is near. And, she isn’t here, God. We have been waiting for the miracle and we are running out of time… twenty days.

Frantic prayers. Pleading. Tears. Aching. Despair…

Yet, He is here. He whispers in the quiet. He embraces the weary. He catches the tears.

He does not work this way. I don’t need to assign a deadline for His miracle. The miracle is coming. It is coming and, truly, it has already come. In twenty days, we celebrate, we rejoice, in the miracle. The miracle of His birth. The rescuer. The One who came to save. He humbled Himself and left the majesty of Heaven to come here to earth. To come close. To be near.

We will celebrate. If she is here under our roof or if she is across the ocean, we will celebrate. We can trust Him to be near. To hold her close. She is His. She was always His.

Our Hope is in Him. And, that is a beautiful reason to celebrate.