Blessings and Raindrops

seeking joy in the midst of the ordinary

Archives for 2016

When it’s raining on a Monday.

It’s Monday. The sky is overcast with rain threatening to pour forth from the grey sky at any moment. The boys are back in school after a two-week break {they are on a “non-traditional” calendar} and I miss having them home. We had the most relaxing and un-rushed two weeks, making us all anxious for summer.

Therefore, it feels like a perfect time to look back through photos from our time in Rome. Images of Italy can brighten even my dreariest Monday. We boarded our plane back home exactly a month ago and I realized this morning that I never shared photos from this portion of our trip. {see HERE and HERE for more dreamy Italy vacation pics}. Roma is one of my absolute favorite cities, if you’ve never been, add it to your list of must-see places. The rich history and the vibrancy of the city give it a majestic and other-wordly feel.  Enjoy a few images from our time there…

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~ Planning a visit to Rome? I highly recommend staying at Relais Teatro Argentina – the location is perfect and the rooms are spacious {especially for Roman standards} and gorgeous. Also, Francesca was our private tour guide at the Vatican museums {+Sistine Chapel and St. Peter’s} and I couldn’t possibly recommend her more highly. I adored her passion for art and history and her Italian culture.

When Fear Threatens to Overwhelm.

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The imagery stuck with me: a looming tidal wave, threatening to overtake the minuscule surfer and board. Yet, the skilled surfer is able to surf right through the center of the wave as it rolls over the top of him.

My friend’s words became my declaration:

“That’s what I see. You may be in deep waters but you will not be overcome.”

“The Lord your God is mighty to save. I am telling you, friend, that this wave was sent for your demise but you will ride it to victory.” 

As I sat in the waiting room, I glanced over to the wall and read the truth written there, Do not be afraid. The Lord your God is with you.

After weeks of strange symptoms, a CT and an MRI, I am breathing a deep sigh of relief this morning. The latest scans were normal. Though the wave threatened to overwhelm me, I am safely resting on the shore this morning proclaiming His goodness.

I know this isn’t the only ending to this same story for others. A dear friend’s husband is facing a much different reality today. My college friend’s baby girl is rounding the year mark of treatment. My boys’ closest friends have a sister six months into her own tumultuous ride in the stormy sea of illness.

I am keenly aware of how differently this morning’s phone call with my doctor could have gone. As we sat together in his office two days ago, he quietly shared what we were looking for while I relented and allowed the impending tears to freely fall.

As I rejoice this morning, I fully recognize the battle that has been raging in the heavenlies these past few weeks.

As my sweet, warrior momma friend, Rory, reminded me the other day: Fear is a spirit straight from the pit of hell. 

The battle against fear is real. I have faced this same enemy time and again. I vividly remember it’s power as we flew over the Atlantic and the plane hit turbulence. While Dave slept calmly beside me, my entire body trembled from intense fear. Just as He met me yesterday in the MRI machine and sang His peace over me, He met me then as I cowered under the scratchy airplane blanket crying out for Him. A holy moment – a spiritual marker. He came near, He calmed my trembling with His peace.

The thing is, I am so sick of fear.

I hate the way it slips into our lives and overtakes our thoughts. I hate the way it prevents us from taking on our full identity in Christ. I hate the way it shouts lies and makes us question the Power of our God. I hate the way it causes us to stay home and desire safe living over the grand adventure of stepping out of the boat with our Savior King. I hate the way it replaces truth with doubt. I hate the way it narrows our view of eternity. I hate the way it keeps us awake at night and looms large in the darkness. I hate the way it binds us from walking in the true freedom and power and immense love of Christ.

Each morning, I’m declaring TRUTH over lies. I know fear will continue to sling darts my way, I know full well that the battle will continue. Our enemy is ruthless and he knows our weaknesses. He knows I can come unglued with an onslaught of fear. Therefore, I need to remember each and every day that I am living on a battlefield. I can’t let my prayer life or my nearness to the Lord become complacent.

Please know I realize that walking closely with God does not ensure a safe life. I fully know that we live in a broken, fallen world. Bad things happen to good people. I can’t explain or understand why. My only choice is to cling to Truth.

The sign hanging in my girls’ room is a reminder for their hearts each day and I’m proclaiming it for my own, as well.

I am HIS.

You are HIS.

Whatever battle we are face in the days ahead, we can rest in knowing He will go before us, He will stay beside us, He will never leave us. Regardless of the height of the tidal wave moving in, He will guide the surfboard directly through it. It will not overtake us.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can Man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Encouragement for weary mommas.

 

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Parenting a child with a history of trauma is exhausting and intense, even on our best days.

I don’t share a whole lot about the ins and outs of adoptive parenting outside of my in-real-life community simply because this online space can be really tough to navigate. I fear sharing the reality of our current hard will be misinterpreted. I don’t fear misinterpretation by online readers because, honestly, I expect it. After all, it’s extremely difficult to share the full story with someone from behind a computer screen. No, my fear is for my children – specifically my little one who joined our family due to situations completely outside of her control. While at the tender age of four, she now offers prayers of gratitude each night thanking God for bringing her “home to her family,” I suspect the day will come when she will question the narrative written during those early, formative years. I suspect she will someday read the words I publish here looking for reassurance of her belonging. I never, ever want her to question her place in our family. I never, ever want her to misread my intent or the depth of my love.

Yet, when I look around online and only see other adoptive families thriving and smiling, I question my abilities to mother well. I start to compare our hard moments and the intensity of our days with the happy photos I see on Instagram. My ever-increasing anxiety starts to mount and my failed attempts at “connected parenting” create a distorted highlight reel in my mind.

Then, I read articles like this one and practically weep over the vulnerability and shared experience.

I felt deeply attached to him and experienced daily moments of tender connection, but I also daily carried the weight of his emotional volatility and inability to engage in society in a healthy way. I myself eventually began to suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, and hypervigilance. And through extensive research in the world of adoption, I came to learn that my reality had a name: secondary trauma. – Shannon Evans

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I knew we would struggle post-Italy. Dave and I had left for an extended period of time. That’s hard on all four year-olds. But it is especially difficult for trauma kiddos. Sylvie’s developmental age is much closer to that of a two year old, which explains the similar responses from both of my girls this past week  – clingy, affirmation seeking, and just plain needy.

The thing is, I get it. I really do. I fully understand the whys behind the behaviors (well, most of the behaviors). But, y’all. It is exhausting. Bone weary exhausting.

And, please hear me: I wouldn’t change our story for anything. Yes, yes, I did ask for this. And, I would all over again if I had the chance.

And, I would go to Italy again if I had the chance. It was worth it. I desperately needed that beautiful vacation with my husband and our dear friends.

While it may sound like I’m whining and complaining right now, I’m really not. I’m good. We’re good. We are in a tough season but we are good. I wanted to share today to encourage other mommas in the same boat. I know there are many of you who are afraid to admit that this is all a whole lot harder than you had imagined it would be. I know you don’t have safe places to share your hard. I know because you have emailed me or a friend of a friend has called and asked me to reach out and encourage you. From a place of shared empathy, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.

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We are doing our best and we are fighting a battle that is unseen. We have to remember one very important truth: the battle for our children’s hearts is happening in spiritual realms. We have an enemy who absolutely hates redemption and restoration and healing. He wants us to drown under the lies that tell us we aren’t enough and we can’t possibly love big enough when healing for our little ones feels far out of reach. Yet, we have an ally who is so much bigger and more powerful than our enemy. God is all about restoration. That’s His most favorite thing. He is love and wants us to trust Him enough to fill our empty wells. He will fill the gaps. He will cover our babies and He will empower us to love through His supernatural strength.

He will.

He does.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. {Isaiah 43: 18-19}