Lately, I’ve had a heavy cloak weighing me down.
As God has been opening doors and revealing more of His plans for my life in recent months, my autopilot response has been fear and insecurity. I literally sat in a meeting listening to someone whom I respect greatly share amazing, amazing plans for the work we hope to accomplish together {I can’t wait to share more with y’all…sorry for being vague, there are a bunch of details to work through first} and instead of excitement rising up, I pressed heavily into fear.
Fear of falling short. Fear of letting everyone down. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of failure.
Honestly, I suppressed all of these fears fairly well. I carried on with my life and pushed the fears to the background. It became a white noise within my day to day routine. Not debilitating, yet present. Ever-present. And, exhausting.
Do you know what I’ve learned? It is EXHAUSTING to think God’s work actually depends on my performance. {And, yes, when I write that out I can see how ridiculous that line of thinking really is}.
Last weekend, I spent some time away from daily life. I was holed up in a cabin in the woods with some of my absolute favorite people. My people. They push past the surface. Our conversations are full of transparency, brokenness, authenticity, deep questioning, laughter, joy, and tears. They broke through the layers I had worked hard to build. Those shaky layers of self-sufficiency, strength and confidence. With a simple question, I suddenly started spilling it all out. All of the fear, the insecurity, and the doubt came out in the form of a sobbing, messy, confession. I would have been humiliated if this hadn’t been such a safe place to lay it all down.
Oh, friends. We all need a safe place. Instead of carrying that burden any longer, I let it go. I relinquished my fear and instead soaked up the words of Truth that these dear friends spoke over me. The cloak was destroyed. My burden was light.
Once I returned home, I felt a nudge to retrieve an old journal from the back of a drawer stacked full of similar old journals. I know the Holy Spirit was leading because I couldn’t remember what was written in any of these journals off hand yet I was led to that specific one.
I turned the pages and landed on my notes from Rebekah Lyons teaching during last year’s IF: Gathering. The words jumped off the page and spoke directly to my soul.
The lie I had believed: my light isn’t good enough to shine. Others are doing such an awesome job of shining; they should continue to do so. I really have nothing to add.
Truth: “When He knit you, He gave you distinct birthright gifts. There’s room enough for everyone! No need to compare – we are ALL unique and we can all live out our gifts.”
Lie: Keep score. You need to know that you matter.
Truth: “You can be in your calling and still not be free. If you do what you do for an audience of ONE, you’ll always matter.”
Lie: confirmation from the world is going to heal.
Truth: “The fall may be all around you but the fall is not in you. Christ is in you. You are FREE. Now, go and be who you already are.”
Read the transcript from Rebekah’s reading at IF: Gathering here.
Read Rebekah’s full prayer from her talk at IF: Gathering here.
This was inspiring to me today. Thank you for sharing what God is doing in you.
I have been working on "imperfect progress" lately. Usually I will not attempt a task unless I know I can do it perfectly. Therefore things get left uncleaned or unfixed NC I don't have time for 100%. Last few weeks I have been trying to just make progress even if not perfect. Spot cleaning instead of deep cleaning and temp mending instead of complete perfection. I have found a freeing feeling in that. Yes, things aren't getting done perfectly but things are moving forward with progression and there is a sense of accomplishment and hope. Learning that imperfect progression is a path to letting things happen organically, too. Ex. I start on a craft project and used to plan plan plan so everything will look perfect. Now i just start m sometimes there is a better product from this method.
I'm growing in this "just start and trust God to help in the details" and more is getting done. Fear of imperfection was holding me back. This entry you shared has confirmed what the holy spirit has been whispering to me. Thank you and God bless our imperfect progress!
Oh my goodness. This just made my night! Thank you for sharing your words…"just start and trust God to help in the details"– AMEN. And, yes, God bless our imperfect progress!
What a perfect post for me to read today! Thank you for sharing. I've been feeling very similar lately. Good luck with your new venture! You will be wonderful!
Oh, I'm so glad this could speak to you, as well. I have been learning this hard lesson over months of struggle and sometimes, it is HARD to be vulnerable and share. Thank you for your words!
Wow..I can completely relate to the "autopilot" response of fear and insecurity. Isn't it crazy that even when we are walking in God's plan and purpose that those things still try to rise up? Thank you for sharing your heart. This was so refreshing and freeing in HIM:))))
Thank you, April. It's good to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Let's continue to seek Him and His grace, girl!
I have felt this so many times — that it depends on my performance. The more and more I get involved with Rudi and learn about being a non-for-profit, the more inadequate I feel b/c thought I love it, a lot of what I am getting to is way past my comfort zone. Introverts do not plan social events, I say to myself. You have no idea what you are doing. Ahhhh so, this is good. To be free. To shine your light, whether people get it or not.
Amen! Such a beautiful reminder. I'm so glad that it is ALL Him!