There has been a tension in my heart lately. I can’t quite articulate it and I certainly can’t wrap it up with a tidy bow. Yet, it’s there. I have struggled with anxiety and an overall sense of feeling disconnected from God.
When we were waiting for Sylvie to come home, I was clinging to Him each day, each moment. It was my only choice. Life moved on all around me while I begged for Jesus to be near. Oh, how He was. How He showed me such mercy and grace and abundant love during that painful time. As hard as the waiting was, I felt closer to God than ever before in my life. I heard from Him, I felt His nearness, I earnestly devoured His Word. The Word was alive on the pages and spoke to my heart in fresh ways, I saw the message with new eyes.
In this season of life, I look up and realize that days have gone by without the pages of my Bible being turned. Life moves on all around me and I just move along with it. Most days, I’m in communication with Him but I don’t feel Him.
I know this is perfectly normal. Life isn’t meant to be lived on the mountaintop or in the valley. It’s meant to be lived in the everyday grime and mess. In the everyday laughter and exhaustion. In the everyday coming and going. Yet, each day is a chance to encounter our Creator. He longs for us to seek His face. That fact alone is immensely humbling and overwhelming.
I’ve been seeking clarity on an upcoming trip, asking Him for direction and discernment. Quick backstory: Dave and I had both planned to visit Haiti with one of my absolute favorite organizations, Help One Now, alongside some of my absolute favorite people. I’ve been looking forward to this trip while also dreading it. Does that even make sense?
The stress and anxiety of leaving our kiddos was keeping me up at night. I knew the boys would be fine without us, yes, they would miss us but they have a blast with Nana and Papa. I was very concerned about Charlotte. She is in a “mommy” phase right now – basically, she only wants me. And she isn’t shy about sharing her feelings on the topic.
So, our little pup who likes to hop in my car anytime I leave snuck in last Friday while I was getting the girls buckled up to go pick up the boys from school. I didn’t even notice Chiquita because she just snuggled up in the back seat and went to sleep. After picking up the boys, we ran a few errands and then dropped by Dave’s office to surprise him with a sonic slush.
Putting the pieces together, I now know that Chiquita jumped out of the car with us and ran to the side of the office and the little grassy area. In the chaos of getting everyone out of the car, I didn’t even notice that she hopped out. A sweet lady saw her there {we were inside the office at this point} and picked her up thinking she had run off and wanted to prevent her from getting hit by a car as we were on a main street. Meanwhile, we were visiting with some of Dave’s clients and their kids and ours were all playing all around the office and outside.
It wasn’t until a couple of hours later when we arrived back home that I noticed Chiquita wasn’t there. I had assumed she was at home all along and was completely shocked when she didn’t come when I called. Keep in mind — this is the dog that sits in front of the fireplace 23 hours of the day in the winter and lays in her bed 14 hours of the day in the summer and in my lap the other 10. She doesn’t EVER leave my sight. Ever.
I then realized she must have jumped in the car with me earlier in the day. Dave stayed home with the kids while I frantically retraced my stops looking for Chiquita. I came home empty-handed and so very sad. I posted on Facebook and on every page in our area for lost pets/concerned citizens/our city’s page… everywhere.
Hundreds of people shared the post. I was blown away by the outpouring of support and love as we tried to find our pup. It really blew me away and reminded me that there is so much goodness in this world. It is often drowned out by the bad and the ugliness … but it is there. And, I really, really needed to be reminded of that fact. God knew my heart was aching to know that mankind and this world are not completely messed up.
