Encouragement for weary mommas.

 

Parenting a child with a history of trauma is exhausting and intense, even on our best days.

I don’t share a whole lot about the ins and outs of adoptive parenting outside of my in-real-life community simply because this online space can be really tough to navigate. I fear sharing the reality of our current hard will be misinterpreted. I don’t fear misinterpretation by online readers because, honestly, I expect it. After all, it’s extremely difficult to share the full story with someone from behind a computer screen. No, my fear is for my children – specifically my little one who joined our family due to situations completely outside of her control. While at the tender age of four, she now offers prayers of gratitude each night thanking God for bringing her “home to her family,” I suspect the day will come when she will question the narrative written during those early, formative years. I suspect she will someday read the words I publish here looking for reassurance of her belonging. I never, ever want her to question her place in our family. I never, ever want her to misread my intent or the depth of my love.

Yet, when I look around online and only see other adoptive families thriving and smiling, I question my abilities to mother well. I start to compare our hard moments and the intensity of our days with the happy photos I see on Instagram. My ever-increasing anxiety starts to mount and my failed attempts at “connected parenting” create a distorted highlight reel in my mind.

Then, I read articles like this one and practically weep over the vulnerability and shared experience.

I felt deeply attached to him and experienced daily moments of tender connection, but I also daily carried the weight of his emotional volatility and inability to engage in society in a healthy way. I myself eventually began to suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, and hypervigilance. And through extensive research in the world of adoption, I came to learn that my reality had a name: secondary trauma. – Shannon Evans

I knew we would struggle post-Italy. Dave and I had left for an extended period of time. That’s hard on all four year-olds. But it is especially difficult for trauma kiddos. Sylvie’s developmental age is much closer to that of a two year old, which explains the similar responses from both of my girls this past week  – clingy, affirmation seeking, and just plain needy.

The thing is, I get it. I really do. I fully understand the whys behind the behaviors (well, most of the behaviors). But, y’all. It is exhausting. Bone weary exhausting.

And, please hear me: I wouldn’t change our story for anything. Yes, yes, I did ask for this. And, I would all over again if I had the chance.

And, I would go to Italy again if I had the chance. It was worth it. I desperately needed that beautiful vacation with my husband and our dear friends.

While it may sound like I’m whining and complaining right now, I’m really not. I’m good. We’re good. We are in a tough season but we are good. I wanted to share today to encourage other mommas in the same boat. I know there are many of you who are afraid to admit that this is all a whole lot harder than you had imagined it would be. I know you don’t have safe places to share your hard. I know because you have emailed me or a friend of a friend has called and asked me to reach out and encourage you. From a place of shared empathy, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.

We are doing our best and we are fighting a battle that is unseen. We have to remember one very important truth: the battle for our children’s hearts is happening in spiritual realms. We have an enemy who absolutely hates redemption and restoration and healing. He wants us to drown under the lies that tell us we aren’t enough and we can’t possibly love big enough when healing for our little ones feels far out of reach. Yet, we have an ally who is so much bigger and more powerful than our enemy. God is all about restoration. That’s His most favorite thing. He is love and wants us to trust Him enough to fill our empty wells. He will fill the gaps. He will cover our babies and He will empower us to love through His supernatural strength.

He will.

He does.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. {Isaiah 43: 18-19}