Blessings and Raindrops

seeking joy in the midst of the ordinary

6 trips around the sun.

As we celebrated our Sylvie-girl turning 6 last week, it was not lost on me that this was the year we celebrated twice as many birthdays together as we had spent apart. The other day, I reread my letter to Sylvie on her 4th birthday and the injustice of those years apart once again came bubbling to the surface. Now that we are in routines and the normalcy of life, I had almost forgotten the persistent heartache and grief of those years an ocean separated me from my daughter.  Yet, every once in a while, on big days like birthdays, I’m reminded of the miracles that unfolded and of the mountains climbed and of the obstacles averted in order to bring her into our family.

Looking back, I can clearly see the healing and the progress that has occurred in all of our hearts. We have forged our way together. Learning what family means and how to believe we are here for the long haul has been a journey for our girl. A journey full of resistance and fear and tentative hope. Her smile continues to brighten and deepen and shine. More and more each year. What an honor it has been to walk this broken, hard, beautiful path holding her little hand. I am ridiculously unqualified and endlessly grateful to be her momma.

I’ve learned a lot about love from this precious daughter of mine. I’ve learned that love is selfless and vulnerable. It is intentional. Love is seeing the mess and the brokenness and stepping into the story instead of turning away. Love is getting up every day and doing the next thing. Love gives more than it receives. Love can be fireworks and wonder and awe but often, most often, it is quiet, gentle, and unremarkable. Love pursues. Love forgives. Love extends grace. Love can’t take away the pain of the past, yet, love can prove it’s steadfastness over and over and over again. Love never fails, it never gives up, it never leaves. It always perseveres.

S.I.X. (six! how can it be?) deserves pizza and close friends and siblings and swimming. And, cake. Always cake. And, most assuredly, a laughter-filled, unabashedly joyful celebration of our brave, big-hearted, Sylvie-girl.

2017. A look back.

2017 was a full year for our little crew. As we prepare to usher in 2018, I can’t help but look back over the year in awe. When I think about the moments that defined our path, a few come to mind…

South Africa

Our time in South Africa changed our family. We all fell hard for the captivating country and God worked healing and restoration in our hearts during the time away. At the start of our trip, God gave me two very clear visions. We had been walking in a hard season for the past several years, and the weariness had really begun to weigh on us.  God is so gracious to call us away from our comfort zone, from our ordinary routines and draw us closer to Himself in order to reveal His heart. He did so for our family there. It was a holy time of rest and connection and renewal.

Zimbabwe

I wasn’t sure what God had for me in Zimbabwe. I simply knew He had asked me to go and I went. Obedience brings blessing and life.  God was so very near during my time there, freedom and peace were the overarching themes for that trip. A new path was forged for our family there and we now can see why I needed to go.

The Berry Farm

Now we know, Zimbabwe and the Gatehouse Project are tethered to our family’s work at the farm. We launched our first harvest season, benefitting the boys in Zim. We renovated our barn at the farm and hosted friends to hear the stories of the good work being done around the world. We open the doors of our little barn on Sunday mornings for a humble and holy gathering. God told me the farm would be so much more than just a farm. And, it truly is.

Barn Church

The humble gathering on Sunday mornings was born out of a year of study and prayer. God drew us, along with a few close friends, on a journey of learning more about His heart and deconstructing everything we have learned about religion. Everything about this journey has been unexpected and beautiful. We are a ragamuffin little crew, admittedly broken and messy, with a longing to know Jesus and to live our lives in a way that reflects His deep love and unreserved grace. It’s been a privilege to open our barn doors and welcome in old and new friends to worship and study together on Sunday mornings.

Our Summer Road Trip

After one of the most intense months of the year, our little crew needed to hop in the car and get away for an adventure. We drove many, many miles, laughed with old friends, visited family, made memories and rested. It was the sweetest few weeks. And, so, so good for our hearts.

A New School

This was a milestone year for our littles. The boys started a brand new school (which has been the biggest answer to prayer – we couldn’t be more grateful for the blessing of this school and their teachers), S started Kindergarten and C (my baby!! where does the time go?!) started PreK for the first time. We’ve had growing pains and tears, but, undoubtably this year of change and transition has been so very good for my little people. They are all thriving and my heart soars when I think of how far they’ve come these past few months.

Almost Home

The most unexpected and wild ride this year has most definitely been our work with HGTV. The show was a part of the entire year – we learned of the next step of a sizzle reel while in South Africa, filmed for a couple of days in February, in April we learned the news of a green light to film a pilot, filmed in June and the pilot premiered in November. It has been a crazy ride that we still haven’t quite wrapped our heads around.

We’ve had some big changes and big moments define 2017 for our family. Yet, life is funny. The big moments aren’t the most important ones. The little, everyday, ordinary moments really are the ones I treasure the most. My heart is full of gratitude as I look back on the year. 2018 has big shoes to fill. <3

Emmanuel.

Christmas is close now.

I am a planner and I had this week planned out – Monday and Tuesday were set aside for last minute shopping, planning the Christmas eve and Christmas day meals, buying groceries, and gift wrapping. Wednesday morning would bring classroom parties and a half day of school, kicking off the official start of rest and anticipation of Christmas morning.

Instead, my plans were disrupted by an unexpected and terrifying hospital stay with my boy on Monday and Tuesday. In the midst of the frightening experience, God was so very near. He led us to the doctor’s office at the exact moment we needed to be there and protected my sweet boy with such tender care. We do not yet have answers for why he suddenly had such trouble breathing but we have an amazing doctor who is leaving no stone unturned in ruling out culprits. We are all safely back home together, gratitude bursting our hearts at the seams.

If ever there were a lesson in putting first things first and the unimportance of wrapped presents or just-one-more stocking stuffer, or the perfectly curated holiday meal, it is the helplessness of having a sick child. Advent this year has been transformed from anticipation of our coming Savior with earthly eyes also focused on a long-list of to-dos, to praising Emmanuel- God with us.

The verses from Daniel that had been laid on my heart on Monday morning, carried me through that afternoon’s ambulance ride and hospital stay with my boy.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace: take heart and be strong!” (Daniel 10:19 NLT; emphasis mine)

I prayed the words over and over. For Ben is deeply, deeply loved by God. Truth soaking my heart with peace.

He never left us, He went before us – preparing the way for the incident we had no way of anticipating, and He stayed so very near.

Emmanuel. God with us.

Because of His great love, He sent us His son in the most non-threatening, gentle, humble form: a baby. We celebrate the birth of God in flesh, in a humble stable, in the quiet of the night, He came for love and because of love. To be with us. To fulfill promises and prove His trustworthiness.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May God bless each of you reading these words with His love and grace and comfort as we head into these last few days leading to the joy of Christmas morning.

You are deeply loved.

After praying over a really hard situation a friend is walking through this morning, I was led to the tenth chapter of the book of Daniel and a couple of verses jumped off the page. There were no highlights or notes or underlined words to make these particular verses stand out, it was simply God pointing out words my heart needed. Following that uneasy feeling of “share this” … I sent the verses to my friend because I believe God had them for her this morning as she sits in a sterile hospital waiting room, anxiously awaiting word of the outcome of her husband’s surgery.

Then, I felt like maybe someone else needs them as well today. So, I’m sharing here. Because, God’s word is alive and active and is as much a promise to you and I as it was to Daniel centuries ago.

“…your request has been heard in Heaven.” (Daniel 10:12b)

Seven powerful words. So clear and so important. God hears our prayers. He hears our prayers just as He heard Daniels’. What a beautiful reminder this was as I pled for my friend this morning. God heard every word. And, then I read this…

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace: take heart and be strong!” (Daniel 10:19 NLT; emphasis mine)

Because I tend toward anxiousness and fear, I personally love that ‘Do not fear’ is the most frequent command issued in the Bible. I’m reassured because it is a command of God but also because I’m not the only one who has dealt with this – even the great heroes of our faith had hearts bent toward fear. At least I’m in good company. 🙂

And while all of the commands to not be afraid are powerful, this particular verse from Daniel struck me. He was told not to be afraid because he is deeply loved by God.

We can rest in the same promise. We can be at peace, we can take heart, and we can be strong because God deeply loves us.

He is right there in the waiting room with my precious friend, holding her and whispering peace over her because He deeply loves her. He is surrounding my dear friend with a beautiful community of tangible support in the midst of her husband’s job loss because He deeply loves her. He is comforting one of my closest friends today as she grieves and misses her momma on her earthly birthday because He deeply loves her.

He doesn’t promise there won’t be pain or hard times, in fact, he clearly warns us of the trials and heartaches we will face in this life. Yet, in the hard, in the dark, in the pain, He is right there as a bright, trustworthy light. Because of love. Because of a deep, unmeasurable, unending love. We can rest in that love. We can face hard things because of that love. We can resist fear because of that love. We can go wherever He calls because of that love.

May we feel extra doses of His abundant love today. And, more importantly, may we share that love with everyone in our path. This whole, messy, broken world could certainly use that kind of life-changing love.