Blessings and Raindrops

April 20, 2016

Encouragement for weary mommas.

Parenting a child with a history of trauma is exhausting and intense, even on our best days.

I don’t share a whole lot about the ins and outs of adoptive parenting outside of my in-real-life community simply because this online space can be really tough to navigate. I fear sharing the reality of our current hard will be misinterpreted. I don’t fear misinterpretation by online readers because, honestly, I expect it. After all, it’s extremely difficult to share the full story with someone from behind a computer screen. No, my fear is for my children – specifically my little one who joined our family due to situations completely outside of her control. While at the tender age of four, she now offers prayers of gratitude each night thanking God for bringing her “home to her family,” I suspect the day will come when she will question the narrative written during those early, formative years. I suspect she will someday read the words I publish here looking for reassurance of her belonging. I never, ever want her to question her place in our family. I never, ever want her to misread my intent or the depth of my love.

Yet, when I look around online and only see other adoptive families thriving and smiling, I question my abilities to mother well. I start to compare our hard moments and the intensity of our days with the happy photos I see on Instagram. My ever-increasing anxiety starts to mount and my failed attempts at “connected parenting” create a distorted highlight reel in my mind.

Then, I read articles like this one and practically weep over the vulnerability and shared experience.

I felt deeply attached to him and experienced daily moments of tender connection, but I also daily carried the weight of his emotional volatility and inability to engage in society in a healthy way. I myself eventually began to suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, and hypervigilance. And through extensive research in the world of adoption, I came to learn that my reality had a name: secondary trauma. – Shannon Evans

I knew we would struggle post-Italy. Dave and I had left for an extended period of time. That’s hard on all four year-olds. But it is especially difficult for trauma kiddos. Sylvie’s developmental age is much closer to that of a two year old, which explains the similar responses from both of my girls this past week – clingy, affirmation seeking, and just plain needy.

The thing is, I get it. I really do. I fully understand the whys behind the behaviors (well, most of the behaviors). But, y’all. It is exhausting. Bone weary exhausting.

And, please hear me: I wouldn’t change our story for anything. Yes, yes, I did ask for this. And, I would all over again if I had the chance.

And, I would go to Italy again if I had the chance. It was worth it. I desperately needed that beautiful vacation with my husband and our dear friends.

While it may sound like I’m whining and complaining right now, I’m really not. I’m good. We’re good. We are in a tough season but we are good. I wanted to share today to encourage other mommas in the same boat. I know there are many of you who are afraid to admit that this is all a whole lot harder than you had imagined it would be. I know you don’t have safe places to share your hard. I know because you have emailed me or a friend of a friend has called and asked me to reach out and encourage you. From a place of shared empathy, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.

We are doing our best and we are fighting a battle that is unseen. We have to remember one very important truth: the battle for our children’s hearts is happening in spiritual realms. We have an enemy who absolutely hates redemption and restoration and healing. He wants us to drown under the lies that tell us we aren’t enough and we can’t possibly love big enough when healing for our little ones feels far out of reach. Yet, we have an ally who is so much bigger and more powerful than our enemy. God is all about restoration. That’s His most favorite thing. He is love and wants us to trust Him enough to fill our empty wells. He will fill the gaps. He will cover our babies and He will empower us to love through His supernatural strength.

He will.

He does.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. {Isaiah 43: 18-19}

April 14, 2016

Rolling hills and deep breaths.

While I fully realize the world did not, in fact, stop spinning while I was in Italy, it’s still hard to wrap my brain around this fact. It seems as though everything should have halted while we were gone because, ITALY.

Alas, I am in the midst of a crazy week trying to play catch up on all.the.things. If you would, indulge me while I take a break from the hectic pace of my current week to share a few more photos from our time away.

After leaving picturesque Vernazza, we found ourselves inside of a dream. The rolling hills and bright green hues in every direction could only mean one thing: we had arrived in Tuscany.

Cue: deep exhales. This place forces you to breathe deeply and praise our very generous and extravagant Creator.

Dave is an early riser and was quite proud of himself for trekking to the market in the early morning hours in order to serve up a perfect Tuscan breakfast for our crew. Bless him.

You guys: this (below) was our picture-perfect straight-out-of-a-movie villa for the week… (!!)

Perfection. Really and truly. You should have heard us gushing and “ooh’ing” and “awe’ing” as we drove up the driveway for the first time. We ran inside like kids in a candy store. Each room and living space fitting into the perfect Tuscan villa mold I have created in my dream world.

On day two of our time in Tuscany, we crossed over into Umbria and explored the quaint hill town of Assisi – the birthplace of St. Francis of Assisi. Dave and I have been to Tuscany twice before and have never made it to Assisi. I’m so glad we did this time – it is the quintessential hill town and I basically wanted to squeeze the narrow cobblestone alleyways and sweeping views, along with gelato {that is most definitely served in Heaven}, into my carry-on.

The cathedral built in honor of the town’s patron saint was pretty much the opposite of what he stood for – seeing that he took a vow of poverty and all. But, oh my. It is breathtakingly beautiful and absolutely worth a visit.

I mean. There were monks. Actual monks. {Dave was so embarrassed as I excitedly took this photo}.

See???!!! If only this would have fit in my carry-on. I must go back. And, move into one of the little nooks off an ancient stone alleyway.

Did I mention the wine?? Ohmygosh.

We went on a wine tour with my most favorite wine aficionado ever, ever: Rebecca. {I’m not exaggerating one iota when I say you must book a tour with Rebecca if you ever find yourself in Tuscany. Really. She is the best}. We toured the region producing Sangiovese grapes for the powerhouse, Brunello di Montalcino. Otherwise known as, the best wine made on planet earth.

And, if the tour of three small wineries wasn’t good enough, we were served a four course lunch with wine pairings by our hosts at Fanti winery. My tastebuds were on the verge of bursting from the robust flavors of the wine paired with the homemade pastas and fresh, grilled meats. The meal lasted for hours and was pretty much the antithesis of most rushed lunches I have at home. The room was full of tantalizing aromas and continuous laughter. That meal, shared with some of my favorite people, went down as a highlight of the trip for me.

Official Winemaker Rule #1: Every Tuscan vineyard needs an adorable wine dog. {Even the dogs are smiling … because, Tuscany}.

Official Winemaker Rule #2: Every Tuscan winery needs a tasting room with THIS view.

Hmm? More pretty pictures to print off as postcards of a place that is too perfect to actually be real? Yes, yes… here we are…

Oh, yes. I definitely got caught taking this photo of an adorable Italian grandma looking out of her window. She stared right at me. But, you guys. She’s an adorable Italian grandma looking out of her window! The photo had to be taken.

Our friend, Mike, had requested his pilgrimage for the trip: Assisi. In order to visit the birthplace of one of the most venerated religious figures in history.

My request? Bramasole. The restored home of one of my favorite writers, Frances Mayes. Mostly because she moved to Tuscany and restored a villa in.real.life. She basically lived out my wildest dream and then wrote a book about it {and then Hollywood made a movie very loosely based on that book…if you’ve only seen the movie, read the book}. It was better in real life that I had imagined and I’m so glad we made the 30 minute trek uphill to find it.

To end our time in Tuscany, we enjoyed a homemade meal by our new Italian friend, Elisa. She prepared a five course meal for us at our home for the week. It was the most perfect way to spend our last evening here.

I couldn’t possibly recommend L’Olivo Villa enough. If you are planning a visit to Tuscany, you should try to make this your pretend home for the week too. Sorry for the onslaught of photos, I couldn’t help myself. 🙂

Happy Thursday, friends!

April 12, 2016

la bella vita.

In case you missed my bombardment of Instagram last week, Dave and I are back from Italy. That’s so fun to say. “Hmm? Oh, yes. Sorry I missed your email, I was in Italy.”

cinque terre

It doesn’t even feel real now that I’m home, adjusting again into normal routines. I keep looking through my photos to remind myself I was really there. That’s the trouble with something so long anticipated, it goes way (way, way) too quickly.

Ohmygosh. The trip did not start out smoothly. I won’t tell you the whole long story in case you followed the drama on Instagram last week. The basic gist: my passport expired at the end of May (a full six weeks after we returned from our trip) so I didn’t even consider the fact that this would cause a problem. I was wrong. Apparently, passport expiration dates are baloney. For no good reason (truthfully, there may be a good reason but it all seems like nonsense to me), each country can set expiration guidelines differently. Apparently, Italy requires a full 90 days before your passport expires in order to be allowed in the country. This little detail almost derailed my entire trip. The lady checking us in the morning of our departure was incredibly unsympathetic when she looked up from her computer and said, “there is a problem. You can’t go to Italy.” Well. That did not go over well with me. Long, long story short: I flew to Atlanta to attempt the fastest-passport-renewal-in-the-history-of-time in order to catch our evening flight to Rome. We had a long layover so there was the teensiest window of possibility that this could happen. Our outbound flight was delayed several hours causing this to be impossible. We landed two and a half hours after the passport office closed. BUT. Vivian at the passport office and I had been in touch throughout the day and she WAITED FOR ME. I literally ran through the airport, took the airport tram, then raced through the MARTA station and arrived downtown where I quickly found a CVS to take new passport photos and arrived at a very much closed passport office. Vivian met me there and let me in. Holy smokes. I still can’t believe this all happened. My new passport was issued quickly and I raced back to the airport to meet Dave (who had stayed behind to reroute our flights). We made it out that night on a different flight through Paris and eventually made it to our first destination only six hours after the rest of our friends (who flew out as scheduled).

And, if I do say so myself, that first destination was not too shabby. We stayed in the cutest little spot in Vernazza – one of the five picturesque towns that make up the Cinque Terre.

vernazza italy

It literally felt like I was inside of a postcard. The entire place was perfection – right down to the little old Italian ladies shouting to one another from their windows above the piazza.

Dave and I had visited Cinque Terre a lifetime ago (okay, it was actually in 2007) and we were finally back on the day of our 11th wedding anniversary. It was a pretty spectacular way to celebrate.

Italy Vernazza

Is this place FOR REAL? This was our first stop on our hike between the towns. We barely made it out of Vernazza when we had to stop to sit in this restaurant built into a cliff that served the coldest white wine and hands-down most delicious mojitos (who knew?) on planet earth. And the view. I mean, this is a REAL PLACE. People go to work every day HERE. I can’t get over it. I just can’t.

So, Dave and I were nine years younger the first time we hiked the cliffside trails linking the five towns of the area. It took all day but was an amazing experience that we told our friends all about. Everyone was excited for the day of hiking and exploring all of the towns.

We tried. We really tried. The thing is, nine years and four kids makes you TIRED.

We only made it to one town.

But, we ate and drank really well. And, that one town was gorgeous. All in all, it was a really good day.

I have so much more to share about the rest of our trip … I’ll do so throughout the week. For now, it’s off to the grocery store. And then, laundry. Back to real life.

* Where we stayed in Vernazza: Camere Giuliano (I highly recommend this b&b!).

March 21, 2016

early spring.

Spring appeared early in our little corner of the world. It happens every year: I get overly zealous when I see little bits of color popping through the parched winter earth. I jump to plant flowers and herbs and tomatoes and trees. Spring! I throw open the windows to let a cool breeze clear the stale air from our cooped up home. I want to breathe fresh life into the ground and into these four walls.

Then, the freeze comes. Every year. I plant in a frenzy and then the cold returns just as quickly as it left. Windows return to their latched positions, the fire roars once again within the hearth and the freshly planted flowering plants wither.

This year was no exception. Even still, I’m making an intentional choice to embrace this last taste of winter. I’m choosing to savor my hot tea sipped in front of a roaring fire with woven blankets covering my toes. I know, soon enough, spring’s sunshine will return and quickly usher in the heat of summer.

I think what I love most about the changing of the seasons are the natural expressions of new grace and fresh mercies. These beautiful reminders everywhere we turn showing us how the bounty of spring always returns after the dreary, and often, desolate winter.

Spring break hasn’t started out the way I had planned. We aren’t outside enjoying the chilly air coupled with warm sunshine. We aren’t meeting up with friends or watching movies in the theater or seeking new adventures. Instead, I’ve been doling out Motrin and Tylenol in abundance attempting to keep these viruses and fevers at bay. I’m now armed with two newly prescribed antibiotics to battle strep throat currently reeking havoc on my boys.

The beauty amidst the chaos remains: we have slowed down. Plans have been canceled, calendars now include much needed white space. We are resting. Oh, how we have all needed rest. After a nonstop couple of months, these sick germs are forcing us all to slow our pace. We are watching silly movies and eating popsicles for lunch. We are snuggling together under blankets and covering foreheads with cold towels.

Although the break isn’t full of exciting stories to go back to school and share, it is exactly what we needed. Well, not exactly. We didn’t need strep throat. But, we did need this time to slow down. I personally needed to savor the sweet moments mixed right in with the hard ones. The quiet of this moment {all of the littles are sleeping – there is grace abounding even when they’re sick}, is so much richer when contrasted to the typical chaos. If it were always calm and quiet and everyone were always sweet and loving, then I wouldn’t stop and breathe in with deep gratitude in moments like this one.

Sometimes, we just need to stop and breathe. Don’t we? Even if the whole crazy world spinning around us keeps on spinning at a breakneck pace, we can step away for a few moments to acknowledge our blessings. They’re always there even if they’re hidden and not quite as obvious. The blessings always remain.