I’ve been completely out of commission the past few days with a nasty sickness. I’m hopeful that I’m on the mend. As for the boys, Nate was sick first and seems to be feeling much better now with the exception of a nasty cough that’s hanging around. Ben seems to have faired better than Nate and I and his fever is gone so I’m hoping the end is in sight for all of us.
We are getting cabin fever around here. Let me tell you, once everyone goes to work and you are feeling like you’ve been run over by a mack truck and are left alone all day with two sick kiddos, there is a whole lot of “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” and “Bob the Builder” rewind-and-play action. We’re definitely not enjoying the gorgeous January Florida weather right now.
{Don’t be fooled. We were not going swimming, this is just how I found them this morning when they were out destroying playing out on the back patio…}
Besides disinfecting every surface of this house, I’ve been sort of freaking out about the fact that I am going to be in charge of THREE little, impressionable humans {hopefully} very soon. The boys have been extra special needy because they don’t feel well {sick Nathan is SO sad when he says, “momma, hold me! hold me!} and I keep thinking that I won’t have enough arms to go around soon enough.
Doubt. It creeps in slowly, doesn’t it? And, soon enough, it turns into fear. Fear that we have made a huge mistake and we are about to disrupt our seemingly stable family unit. Fear that we will never get a decent night sleep again. Fear that the boys and S won’t get along. Fear that S won’t like any of us. Fear that attachment will be harder than the hard stories I’ve been reading.
Whew. Satan knows exactly how and exactly when to attack. He’s conniving and smart. He knows that the perfect opportunity to plant seeds of doubt and lies is when I’m feeling exhausted and vulnerable.
I’ve mentioned before that I have felt under attack during this adoption process. I know this may sound completely loony to some, but I firmly believe that we are battling a very real enemy by stepping out and following God’s call for our family to adopt S.
Paperwork set-backs, sending checks for the wrong amount, so many seemingly little things have continued to make our path rocky. And, lately, health scares and illness have made us vulnerable.
Fear truly is such a powerful tool used by the enemy to attack and devour. When Dave was flying home from Florida last week, I was quite literally gripped by fear when I received a text message from him in-flight.
“Something’s wrong with the plane. Nose dropped and we are turning back to Orlando. I love you.”
I could not breathe or see straight as I read his words. He has never, ever texted me something like that when the plane was having troubles. Ever. I knew this was serious.
Then, I heard from him again, “can’t land yet. need to burn more fuel.” That was the last I would hear for the next forty minutes.
All I can remember clearly is falling to my knees in the grass in front of my parent’s house and shouting out to God. I am so thankful my sister was home to watch the boys so that I could go outside to frantically text and try to call him and cry. I can’t adequately describe the emotions I felt. I could not see past my fear. I felt helpless. I prayed hard. I didn’t stop praying until he called to tell me they had landed.
Relief soaked every cell in my body after that phone call.
And, I saw the situation for what it was. An attack. A spiritual attack. And, then, I could clearly see and praise the one who continues to go before us and fight on our behalf. Our King. Our Savior. Our Father.
Each day on this journey, I’ve clung to His promises and I’ve been reminded again and again that He is on my side. He is holding our family close. He will NOT forsake us.
When the enemy places doubt in my mind {over and over again} about how I will handle mothering another toddler, I pray.
And, I’m reminded that God has this. Not me. I can’t do anything on my strength alone.
I can choose to trust in Him. I can choose to savor the moments He has given me. I choose to laugh with these little guys and dream of the day another voice of laughter will join in with them. I can choose to pour love into my children and pray that His grace covers the rest.
I recently read this post by Beth that left the hairs standing on the back of my neck and opened my eyes to how real this battle is. Take a few moments to read her powerful testimony. I love her transparency and words of truth:
And then again, just today, I read this post by Andrea speaking about the battles she has seen God fight on her behalf.
Their powerful words have encouraged me and reminded me that I’m not alone in this fight. I am choosing to stand firm on truth trusting in His mighty power.
