so very brave.

This girl.

She walked right in to her very first real classroom with her head held high and smiled for the camera (over and over and over again…I can’t help myself) like a champ.

Because I’m her mom and I know how to read her nonverbal cues, I couldn’t miss the faintest hint of anxiety in her eyes. I picked up on the way she sat motionless in her chair surveying the room with her eyes, keeping her head perfectly still. While the other mommas were hugging their new pre-schoolers and wiping crocodile tears away from cheeks, I was rubbing Sylvie’s back and watching her fingers twirl around the fabric of her shirt – a clear signal of her fear.

Despite the subtlety of these outward signs of her anxiety, my palms sweated as I left the classroom. I wanted desperately to shout the absolute most inappropriate things to everyone within earshot.

YOU GUYS!

LOOK AT HER SITTING THERE AT THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HER LITTLE NAME TAG! DID YOU SEE HER HANG HER BACKPACK? OH MY WORD!

SERIOUSLY! SHE LIVED ON THE DIRT FLOOR OF AN ORPHANAGE! SHE OFTEN DIDN’T EAT FOR DAYS!! EVERYONE LEFT HER. EVERYONE! WHY SHOULD SHE TRUST THAT THIS PLACE IS SAFE OR THAT I’LL BE BACK THIS AFTERNOON LIKE I SAID??!! Your kid is cute and all, BUT LOOK AT HER!!!!!! SHE IS THE MOST BRAVE FOUR YEAR OLD EVER, EVER. I’M SO DARN PROUD OF HER I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT!

I’m the most embarrassing, I know. But y’all, I wanted to explain the research regarding brain development and the effects of trauma. {Dave and I met privately with her teacher – she is very well aware of trauma and attachment and the effects on brain development. I am beyond thankful for her}.  I wanted to pass out photos of my girl as an infant. I wanted everyone to see how far she has come. Yes, she is physically taller and stronger but oh my word, she is so much stronger than any visible muscle. This girl is an overcomer and a fighter and she is so full of joy and hope, I can hardly believe it. Despite the crappy things that have happened in her life, she chooses joy instead of bitterness or resentment.

I didn’t embarrass her or myself by yelling these things or showing old photos or videos but man, I wanted to. The thing is, everyone just sees this adorable, confident little girl smiling and hanging her new Paw Patrol backpack on the hook under her name. They have no idea how freaking brave she is. They don’t know the tension she wrestles through every single day. They don’t know how much that backpack and lunchbox represent. They represent a beloved daughter who has fought fiery arrows straight from the pit of hell and come out victorious. The enemy prowled at the door of her heart, ready to pounce at any moment. SO many of you reading these words prayed and fought this fight with us in the heavenlies. We went to battle for this girl. Absolutely bloody and bruised and broken at times. But we fought. And, she fought. It has been the messiest, most fractured and broken fight. But we have the most powerful and good God on our side. He never left us alone in the battle. This girl is tangible, real-life proof of a Abba Father who loves and restores and redeems everything for good. Everything. 

The enemy messed with the wrong girl. She is a daughter of the King of Kings and she is clothed in dignity and strength. The light of His endearing love shines so brightly through this one.

Go conquer PreK, my girl. The rest will come later. For now, you have a year of growing and learning more about this good, good Father of yours. Soak it up and thrive, my love.