Blessings and Raindrops

seeking joy in the midst of the ordinary

fearless. part 1.

Dave and I spent our Saturday in Tulsa in a room full of other adoptive parents learning and growing and worshipping the One who called us to this place, asking us to step out in faith to bring a precious child into our family through the blessing of adoption.

It was a truly awesome day. We both learned so much and came home refreshed and energized.

LOVED seeing my sweet friend, Kara! 

We know that God meant it when He asked us to care for the orphaned and oppressed. To seek justice. To be close to the brokenhearted. As Jen Hatmaker said, “when He told us to feed the hungry. He meant feed the hungry. Feed them food.”

Yet, the truth is that the need is immense. It is overwhelming, actually. The suffering is too much. The brokenness, the hurt…it is staggering. Orphan care is complicated and messy. There are no easy, clear-cut answers here.

That is why we felt so at home in a room with people that have the same passion for these children as we do. The understanding and compassion in the room was palpable.

And, I met my best friend that doesn’t know me, Jen Hatmaker. {I considered telling her that we have to be friends because we’re both just so funny and we like all of the same things…aaannnnd Dave advised against it. Instead I went with, “it’s so nice to meet you”}. She was AWESOME. Really. I’m not just saying that. Her words were powerful.

My real life friend, Chandra, and I with our newest BFF, Jen. 
Something that Jen said early on in the day really resonated with me. “A call to adopt is also a call to suffer with the orphan.” She explained that in adoption we will find unbelievable beauty, redemption, mercy, healing, and grace. Yet, we will also “get a front row seat to some serious suffering.” We will enter into the broken places with our beautiful adopted children, and we have to be willing to stay there on the road to healing. 
You see, “we cannot be in adoption to adopt. We have to be in it to parent.”
All of the speakers spoke to some of the heart issues of parenting. The lessons were universal. Regardless of whether you are parenting adopted or biological children. 
Dr. Barbara Sorrels {who actually knows Karen Purvis… anyone in the adoption world is impressed along with me} spoke about the four core fears of {all} children. 
She covered the fear of abandonment and challenged us to seek to communicate with the fruit of the spirit everyday. To communicate safety to our children through our tone of voice and our facial expressions. She shared that humiliation is the most toxic thing to the human soul. Toxic. I had never even considered such a thought. 
She discussed the fear of annihilation and the need for rich sensory and emotional environments for our children. The need to be present and not be preoccupied. She challenged us that the growing minds of our children do not need technology until the age of 7. Y’all. I love me a little ‘Mickey Mouse Clubhouse’ zone-out break every now and then. These two busy toddlers can run circles around me and I just. need. a. break. sometimes. This is convicting. Dr. Sorrels discussed the changes she has seen across US classrooms in the past eight years. She fully believes {and I agree} that we are parenting through technology over engagement too often. Guilty as charged. We are working on this one all the time over at our house. I’m working to turn off my screens and be present during these precious days home with the boys while they’re still so young {oh, yes, don’t worry, the boys are napping right now}.
She discussed the fear of being viewed as a bad child. This is powerful: “At the core of every child is the desire for someone to believe in their goodness.” Period.
She discussed the fear of losing love. Our children from hard places have already lost so much in their short lives. This fear is real and powerful. We have to pray for wisdom on how to parent our children. We have to cover them in love and show them that they are safe and that we are not going any where.
Jen ended the day covering the topic of rest. This message was like a soft melody to my soul. I have been depleted and running on empty without even knowing it. I will share more on this topic in a separate post because this is already long enough and I think the message is crucial to all moms everywhere. 
I’ll leave you with this nugget of wisdom from Jen H:
“Spiritual nourishment is perishable. It is good only for that day.” 
Spend time in the word. Spend time in prayer. Seek Jesus’ face. Each and every day. 
Really good stuff. 🙂

my new prayer.

Another adoptive-momma friend wrote something today that struck me. I won’t share all that she wrote in order to protect her story, but I want to share these poignant words whispered to her in prayer…

“It was as if He verbally said, “don’t pray that I will get him home, pray that I will be glorified” So, I am asking the same of you my sweet sisters. Pray for glory. Nothing else, just glory.”

Powerful.

This was a convicting reminder to my heart this morning. A reminder to stop and pray specifically for Jesus to be glorified in our story. A reminder to offer up this plea once again, just as I did before I saw S’s face and fell in love with her and ached desperately to get her home to us safely.

And, to reinforce this in my heart, my devotion this morning included this verse from Colossians…

“Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him, so that you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done.” {Colossians 2:7}
Another reminder to draw near to Him. To trust Him fully. To seek my rest in Him alone. To thank Him for all that He has done and will do in our family. 

"remember My faithfulness"

This has not been my finest hour. I would like to be able to say that I am just standing firm in my faith and feeling confident as I keep my eyes on Jesus at all times during this adoption journey.

But, friends, today has been hard. Really hard.

I woke up to an email with news that S has malaria. Not just a runny nose or bronchitis {which she also has} but the scary, dreaded M word.

Dr. L visited the orphanage yesterday at the request of myself and a couple of other mommas with kiddos at the same orphanage and I felt confident that we would be getting a happy, healthy report. We even received a photo yesterday where S was *almost* smiling. I thought she looked happy for the first time since we have been receiving her photos.

And, then, today we got the medical report. I was floored and I took another look at the photo where I thought she may be smiling…and, this time, I noticed that I think she looks more like she is wincing and pulling back rather than smiling and happy. How could I have mistaken the two so easily?

On top of feeling overrun with worry, I’m fighting the nasty stomach bug that just won’t go away. So, I’m barely able to lift myself off the couch to care for my boys and this news has sent me spinning. It’s just too much for me. I want to crawl into a hole right now and stay there until we receive news that we have been cleared to get on that plane.

After the boys {mercifully without a fight} went down for naps, I took a shower and just sobbed. Am I the only one that ends up losing it in the shower? Never fails. The water just brings out the tears.

I started questioning everything. And pleading with God to show me that we are, in fact, in the center of His will and that we will know the victory that only He can bring.

I was softly reminded to read back through my notes from the recent Created for Care retreat.

The first page I opened to journaled my notes and thoughts from the last speaker on Sunday morning. Tona walked us through the story of Hagar in Genesis.

After Hagar ran away into the wilderness, frightened and afraid, the Lord so beautifully reminded her,

I see you.

I hear you and I am so sorry, this is hard.

I will be with you.

He didn’t tie up her situation with a pretty bow and send her on her way. Yet, she was able to say in awe and reverence, “You are the God who sees me.” {Genesis 16:13}

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there…”{Genesis 21:17}

The same God who heard the cries of Hagar’s son, hears the cries of my sweet S.

He directed me right to these words in my notes…

We often forget the promises God has spoken over us when we feel hopeless. 
I hear the cries of S, right where she is.
Remember my faithfulness.

Powerful.

And, just to add a little additional comfort to my aching heart, I received two unexpected, dear cards in the mail from sweet friends assuring me that they are praying for our girl.

And, just as I started to type this post, I heard a knock on my door. Another friend dropped by a bag full of hair-bows and adorable girly girl hats to be sent to S’s orphanage. I know all of the girls there will love these so much.

I’m continuing to pray steadfastly for S to be home in JUNE. Thank you all for joining me in this bold prayer. Will you please also say a prayer for her health and that she receives the life-giving medical treatment she needs? I cannot thank you enough for the prayers being lifted up on behalf of our girl. Mere words will never express my gratitude.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 
{Hebrews 12:1-3}

an update & a birthday

please keep praying for baby Evan. the doctors have been running test after test and there is still not a definite cause for his illness. he was intubated and the machine is helping him breathe which is allowing him to rest. we are praying that this rest allows his little heart to heal on it’s own.

please pray that it does. that is the absolute best case scenario.

as with any infant illness, the scenarios are varied and each day presents a roller-coaster of emotions and prognosis possibilities. 


i’m praying boldly for complete and absolute healing. i’m praying for the doctors to be baffled by his sudden, miraculous recovery. i’m praying for God to work in such a mighty way that no one can do anything but give God glory and praise. will you please join me in this prayer?

i have had a hard time posting on this blog over the past few days. my thoughts are consumed with my precious friend and her baby boy. we have been trying to stay busy here in florida and the days are passing by in somewhat of a haze.

i did want to jump on here tonight to share a few thoughts on our girl’s birthday. she turned one on the 16th. you can read more here about how powerfully God reminded me that His plans are far greater than I could ever begin to imagine. they always are, aren’t they?

i was very thankful for that reminder on the morning of her birthday. to be perfectly honest, i was feeling so many emotions and the one that kept rising to the surface was ambivalence. more than ever, it felt like we were walking on a path that would lead to heartache. she felt farther away than ever before. i felt cheated. and alone.

and then, i just felt grief and sorrow. for her. for us. for all that she has lost. for all that we have missed out on with her. for the pain she has had to endure. for the uncertainty of it all.

i wanted to make the day special. we spent the afternoon driving to a park about an hour away to meet up with one of my dear adoptive-momma friends, jenna. jenna and i met at last year’s created for care retreat and have become close friends since. she will be bringing home her daughter soon {we are praying that it is very, very soon} and she has been such an encourager and prayer warrior for me during this journey.

my boys are typically more interested in snacks than just about anything. 

we had such a good visit and i loved being able to commiserate with someone who gets it. who has walked in my shoes and knows what i’m feeling even when i can’t find the words. i was so thankful God orchestrated our visit on that day, when i needed it most.

worst quality photo ever but i still love it.
we are going to take another one someday with our boys and our little girlies. 🙂

after nathan threw up on the playground {yes, this is just a normal occurrence…welcome to my crazy life}, we had to run out. mostly because it was slightly embarrassing and just gross. it reminded me of the time he cleared out the splash park and the time we were on the moving sidewalk in the penguin display at sea world. we still can’t figure out why he gets sick so easily and so often. doctors thought he would have grown out of it by now. needless to say, it put a little damper in our day.

after the park, we drove back toward my parent’s house and decided to meet the rest of the family for dinner to celebrate S’s birthday. the boys hadn’t napped and dinner included tantrums and crying. again, not exactly what i had planned.

after dinner, we walked around the cute little downtown winter garden area and redeemed the day with laughter and smiles.

i had planned to bake a cake with the boys for S, but that didn’t happen either. instead, we stopped in for some frozen yogurt. i really wanted to blow out a candle for our girl but we didn’t have one. so, we just sang to her and rested in the fact that next year, she will be the one to blow out her candles.

at the end of the day, i was reminded that my perfect plans in my mind are not real life. life is messy and imperfect. life is the adventure that unfolds when we just let go of expectations and appreciate the moments as they unfold.

and, gratitude flowed as i focused on the family and friends that have linked arms with us as we walk this journey.

such a beautiful text i received from a sweet friend.

“COME TO ME, and rest in My loving Presence.  You know that this day will bring difficulties, and you are trying to think your way through those trials. As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you– now and always…relax in My Peace.  I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust.”  {Jesus Calling devotional; January 16th}