Blessings and Raindrops

seeking joy in the midst of the ordinary

january 16, 2012

yesterday was S’s first birthday.

before i can share how we spent the day, i had to first share something i just realized when looking back to this day last year…

you see, a year ago to the day, I wrote my very first post on this blog {you can read it here}. i started this blog to document our family’s memories and, most importantly, our adoption process. we had not yet announced our adoption plans {dave really wanted to wait until we were further down the path before we shared the news. meanwhile, i wanted to shout it from the rooftops the moment we applied to AGCI}, yet i had such a strong desire to start this blog even though i couldn’t yet write about our adoption. i didn’t know why i felt so strongly about it at the time. i had no idea why i felt like i needed to step out and just start documenting our life here. i did include a little teaser about what was happening in our family in that first post…

“I decided to start now as we embark on an exciting & overwhelming journey as a family.”

mostly, i wrote about fear in that first post. fear of starting this little space on the internet…

“The excuses all lead to one place: Fear.

Four letters that are SO powerful. Satan uses fear to hold us back and to make us stand still. Gratefully, Jesus breaks us free of fear so that we can move forward to glorify Him and further His kingdom.”
{i even included the fact that i was fearful of flying. which satan has used against me so recently to allow fear to grip me}. 
i love looking back to these words to see how {unbeknownst to me} they kicked off our adventure to our daughter…

“This life is not my own. I was carefully made by my loving Father in order to serve Him and to bring His light to the dark places in this world. He reminds me, “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15).

I love the Message’s version of that same verse: “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”
That’s exactly how I am feeling in this season of my life. Looking to my “Papa” to see what adventure he has in store for little ole’ me next!”

i’ve written so much about fear on this adoption journey. fear was the sole reason we almost turned away from fighting to get our S home. my words from that first post still resonate so deeply, one year later…

“I know that I am human and that overcoming fear and stepping out into a scary place is something that I will need to do again and again. Satan knows my “buttons” – he knows which ones to push and fear is a very easy one to start with. I am so grateful for my patient, loving Father who simply holds me in His embrace when I run back to Him time and time again crying out for help from the crippling effects of fear and worry.”

and, then, i wrote this…

“With all that said, I want to use this blog as a way to share our little family’s journey with our friends and family. As a way to share how God is working in our lives. As a way to document the seemingly small and mundane happenings of our everyday life, that I know I will someday look back on and realize were the glorious and beautiful moments that make this life so very special.”

and, i truly had NO idea how incredible this journey would be. i never fathomed that on the same date i hit “publish” for the very first time, our baby girl was born half a world away. 


a day that would forever shape our family.

it’s no coincidence that i took a first step in overcoming one of my fears on that day. God was preparing my heart for what was to come. only He knew what a beautiful story was being written. He knew that S would need us to lay down our fears and trust wholly and completely in Him. He knew that there would be hard days on this journey and i would need to run to Him again and again.

“So, here I am. Taking a very small step in the direction that my Jesus has asked me to go. This is not earth shattering by any means, I get that. But it is me (once again) laying my fears, my worries, and my anxieties at the feet of my Savior. I am writing the words on my heart for you all to read if you so choose.  That’s just plain scary in my book.”

i am once again in awe of how incredible the pieces of this life’s puzzle are intricately designed by my loving, patient, trustworthy Heavenly Father. 
oh, and i promise to share more about our day yesterday in another post. we tried our best to celebrate our sweet girl. mostly, i just ached to have her home more than ever. 

standing on truth.

I’ve been completely out of commission the past few days with a nasty sickness. I’m hopeful that I’m on the mend. As for the boys, Nate was sick first and seems to be feeling much better now with the exception of a nasty cough that’s hanging around. Ben seems to have faired better than Nate and I and his fever is gone so I’m hoping the end is in sight for all of us.

We are getting cabin fever around here. Let me tell you, once everyone goes to work and you are feeling like you’ve been run over by a mack truck and are left alone all day with two sick kiddos, there is a whole lot of “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” and “Bob the Builder” rewind-and-play action. We’re definitely not enjoying the gorgeous January Florida weather right now.

{Don’t be fooled. We were not going swimming, this is just how I found them this morning when they were out destroying playing out on the back patio…}

Besides disinfecting every surface of this house, I’ve been sort of freaking out about the fact that I am going to be in charge of THREE little, impressionable humans {hopefully} very soon. The boys have been extra special needy because they don’t feel well {sick Nathan is SO sad when he says, “momma, hold me! hold me!} and I keep thinking that I won’t have enough arms to go around soon enough.

Doubt. It creeps in slowly, doesn’t it? And, soon enough, it turns into fear. Fear that we have made a huge mistake and we are about to disrupt our seemingly stable family unit. Fear that we will never get a decent night sleep again. Fear that the boys and S won’t get along. Fear that S won’t like any of us. Fear that attachment will be harder than the hard stories I’ve been reading.

Whew. Satan knows exactly how and exactly when to attack. He’s conniving and smart. He knows that the perfect opportunity to plant seeds of doubt and lies is when I’m feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

I’ve mentioned before that I have felt under attack during this adoption process. I know this may sound completely loony to some, but I firmly believe that we are battling a very real enemy by stepping out and following God’s call for our family to adopt S.

“By adopting, your family is storming the gates of hell, and rescuing little, lost souls to bring them to safety and the light of the truth. Your only weapons are prayers, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the knowledge of God and His word.” *

Paperwork set-backs, sending checks for the wrong amount, so many seemingly little things have continued to make our path rocky. And, lately, health scares and illness have made us vulnerable.

Fear truly is such a powerful tool used by the enemy to attack and devour. When Dave was flying home from Florida last week, I was quite literally gripped by fear when I received a text message from him in-flight.

“Something’s wrong with the plane. Nose dropped and we are turning back to Orlando. I love you.”

I could not breathe or see straight as I read his words. He has never, ever texted me something like that when the plane was having troubles. Ever. I knew this was serious.

Then, I heard from him again, “can’t land yet. need to burn more fuel.” That was the last I would hear for the next forty minutes.

All I can remember clearly is falling to my knees in the grass in front of my parent’s house and shouting out to God. I am so thankful my sister was home to watch the boys so that I could go outside to frantically text and try to call him and cry. I can’t adequately describe the emotions I felt. I could not see past my fear. I felt helpless. I prayed hard. I didn’t stop praying until he called to tell me they had landed.

Relief soaked every cell in my body after that phone call.

And, I saw the situation for what it was. An attack. A spiritual attack. And, then, I could clearly see and praise the one who continues to go before us and fight on our behalf. Our King. Our Savior. Our Father.

Each day on this journey, I’ve clung to His promises and I’ve been reminded again and again that He is on my side. He is holding our family close. He will NOT forsake us.

When the enemy places doubt in my mind {over and over again} about how I will handle mothering another toddler, I pray.

And, I’m reminded that God has this. Not me. I can’t do anything on my strength alone.

I can choose to trust in Him. I can choose to savor the moments He has given me. I choose to laugh with these little guys and dream of the day another voice of laughter will join in with them. I can choose to pour love into my children and pray that His grace covers the rest.

I recently read this post by Beth that left the hairs standing on the back of my neck and opened my eyes to how real this battle is. Take a few moments to read her powerful testimony. I love her transparency and words of truth:

“spiritual warfare is literal… we are more than conquerors through Christ… we must arm ourselves. we should expect this… do not believe everything you think. if it does not come from God, toss it.”

And then again, just today, I read this post by Andrea speaking about the battles she has seen God fight on her behalf.

“He will fight for you. He will go before you. Whatever you are facing–as you get in the game…know that He’s got this. You are just called to sink your feet in, trust in God, and stand firm.”

Their powerful words have encouraged me and reminded me that I’m not alone in this fight. I am choosing to stand firm on truth trusting in His mighty power.

“10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
{Ephesians 6: 10-18}

expecting miracles.

As I lay in bed last night, the full weight of my emotions pressed down on me. For the first time in my entire life, I won’t be spending Christmas at home in Florida with my family there. For several reasons, we decided to stay here this year and have a quiet Christmas as a family. Originally, this suited me just fine because I wasn’t really feeling the Christmas spirit anyhow. Simple and quiet sounded like just what my soul was craving.

Then, I started to think about all of the memories and traditions from past years. I’ll deeply miss Christmas Eve dinner at my Grandma’s house and candlelight service in the church I grew up in. I’ll miss wearing the silly-footie pajamas Lori and I have worn on Christmas Eve for about 20 years. I’ll miss the laughter and noise and excitement as the kiddos all race to open gifts in my parent’s living room. I’ll miss my mom’s ridiculously strange but delicious traditional Christmas morning breakfast of Cheese Gravy {it’s completely made up – no recipe to share, you’d laugh}. I’ll miss Christmas afternoons as the kiddos calm down and the gifts get put away and everyone sits down for the first time and drifts off for a little nap. I’ll miss Christmas dinner with the extended family. It’s loud and chaotic and wonderful.

Truthfully, what I’ll be missing most of all on Christmas day is the piece of my heart that is on the other side of this earth. Last night, I spent time on my knees, with my forehead pressed to the floor pleading with my Heavenly Father to fight for my girl. I truly believe that we are in the midst of spiritual warfare to get our S home. I repeated these things over and over, “You are ONLY good. You are faithful. You are Sovereign. Open the gates of Heaven to send your angel armies to surround our S.”

I was reminded again and again, through gentle whispers of my loving Father, “Be still and know that I am GOD.”

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” {Exodus 14:14}
You see, yesterday we received our updated approval from USCIS to bring our girl to the US. This is one tiny step in a long line of steps yet to be taken. It lifted me up for the moment and reminded me that we are making progress. 
Yet, I’m still waiting on word of the medical visit. I’m still waiting on word for my friend to travel to pick up her son and visit our girl. I’m still waiting on word on how S is doing. I’m still waiting. So many unknowns. Fear and doubt can seep in through these cracks of uncertainty so quickly that they quite literally crush me and take my breath away. 

This post from Jen Hatmaker has resonated so deeply with me lately. A few of my favorite excerpts:

“Faith has nothing to do with being stoic or “chipper” or falsely propped up. We have entered the suffering of the orphan, the mission of Jesus. It is hard and painful. It hurts and makes us cry. Suffering is like that. Spouting off Christian clichés or pretending to be strong isn’t helpful and it isn’t true. It cripples true community and confuses and isolates a watching world.

Adoption means we are willing to enter the devastation of fatherlessness and struggle mightily to free children from the bonds of orphanhood. It is OKAY to struggle and cry and grieve and mourn while we wait.”

“I don’t believe for a second that we are fighting against God who is withholding favor while we and our children wait. I’m totally with Paul on this one: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). To the degree that God loves something, we can expect our enemy to hate it in equal proportions. With a mission to steal, kill, and destroy, redeeming abandoned lives out of the rubble of injustice is surely at the top of his Hate List.

So go ahead: Cry. Grieve. Wail. Scream at the top of your lungs, “THIS IS NOT FAIR!!” Mourn for the birth mamas who can’t raise their own babies. Rage at a system that keeps the rich richer and the poor poorer. Rant against corrupt bureaucracy and power politics that perpetually victimize the most vulnerable ones under its authority. Grieve every single second you are kept apart from your babies, because let me tell you something: If that is wrong, I do not want to be right.

That’s why we are not mad at God; we are mad with God. We are not fighting against God; we are fighting alongside Him. We are not crying because God is failing us; we are crying out because 170 million children will go to bed tonight with no parents, and we can not stand this injustice one second longer. These are the tears of the heavens that have been shed since the beginning of time for the least and last, the forgotten and forsaken.”

And, this morning, as I read my Jesus Calling devotional, peace infused my soul…

“Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles — and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory.”

Therefore, I’m resolved to live by faith and expect to see miracles along this path. And, I’m putting on the armor of God so I can stand firm alongside Him in this fight.

As Jen so elequontly said when concluding her post,

It.
Is.
ON.

“10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
{Ephesians 6: 10-18}

{the whole story}

I’ve sat down to write this post many times over the past
week. I’ve opened my computer and placed on my hands on the keyboard and… I’ve
stopped. I have stared at the screen and found myself unable to write these
words. I can’t explain why that is.
Granted, my brain has been mush for the past couple of
weeks. I haven’t been able to concentrate or put a coherent thought together.
Last week, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was incredibly emotional as we
prayed about whether we should move forward with adopting S. This week, I wasn’t
sleeping {that whole “not eating “ thing didn’t last long and I made up for a
week without an appetite in one evening on Thanksgiving} because the boys have
been sick and their symptoms seemed to exacerbate in the middle of the night.
Although, I think the real reason I haven’t put words to our
experience is simply that I don’t have the words. I can’t conjure the right
words to describe all of the miraculous, mysterious, holy moments we shared
with our Abba Father last week as we sought His will for our family and for our
precious S.  I’m afraid this post
won’t give enough glory to how truly awesome our God is.
And yet, I have to write this post to document what God has
done and how we came to this place where we know our daughter’s face and ache
more than mere words could ever describe to hold her in our arms. We have
fallen in love with our girl through a couple of photographs and a longing to
know her. The only way to describe this is to liken it to the feelings of love
a pregnant mother has for her unborn child. She doesn’t know this child’s
personality or temperament or what he or she will feel like in her arms. Yet,
she knows that she loves this child with every fiber of her being. She
anticipates the child’s arrival into the world by preparing the nursery and
daydreaming about her baby. She frames ultrasound photos and prays for her
child’s health. This is where we are now. We have a framed photo of our girl
and it’s not an ultrasound. It’s a photograph of her perfect face and big, sad
eyes and it is framed and hung on our wall. We pray for her when we wake in the
morning and in whispers and pleas throughout the day. We pray for her at
mealtimes, fervently pleading that she is being fed. We pray for her as we
cuddle our boys at night, beseeching our God to ensure that she is being held
and comforted when she cries. We pray for her as we lay our heads on our
pillows at night, asking that she is safe as she sleeps.
So please grab a cup of coffee and sit back because I’m
fairly certain that this is going to be a {really} long post. Here is a little more
about our journey to S…
I am incredibly thankful that God placed waiting children on
our hearts through precious T, whom my sweet friend, T’s momma, is in Ethiopia
and meeting for the first time as I type these words! After that experience of
feeling our hearts stirred for waiting children, we prayed for God to show us
if our child was waiting and if we were on the right path with our agency. We
felt peaceful that we chose AGCI for a reason. {And, I now believe it is, in
part, for the incredible friendships I’ve gained from the other mommas with our
agency. We also received amazing preparation and education and very detailed
dossier preparation}.
Meanwhile, we also felt encouraged when our agency recently
announced an updated policy surrounding concurrent adoptions. If a family
pursued a waiting child, there was now an opportunity to continue to wait in
the Ethiopia program and not lose money or time invested up to that point.
And, last Monday, November 12th, I found myself
checking a waiting child website that I check sporadically.  I typically only log on to this site
after receiving an email about a child that matches our parameters, however, I
felt a leading to check the site on Monday morning even though I had not
received an email and had not checked the site in months. After logging in, I
typically land on a page that features waiting children matching our profile
{there are not many kiddos that do because of our tight age parameters}. For
some reason {of course, it was not coincidental}, I landed on the main page and
the very first photo was of our S. She was not listed on our profile page and I
don’t know why. She had been placed on this site about an hour before I logged
on and I immediately read her information and called Dave to tell him about
her. We agreed that we should inquire and get more information about her {we
didn’t know which country she was in, only that she was in Africa}.
After talking with her agency, I learned more about her
story and also that forty other families had inquired. We prayed and discussed
what we should do. We started researching her country and the agency. And, we
prayed some more.
On Tuesday, we called the agency again {after lunch and
sitting in my car talking over many, many questions with our facilitator) and
told them that we wanted to adopt S. We were the first qualifying family to say
“yes” to our girl and her file was put on hold until we submitted our referral
paperwork and payment.
Then, we “met” several families {this adoption community is
incredible and people go out of their way to help and assist and answer questions},
that had hard stories to share about the orphanage where S is living {our
agency facilitator also warned us about the orphanage and we have asked
{begged} for her to be moved but it is not an option}. We also learned that
adoptions from S’s country are very risky and we were advised again and again
to be cautious and to do our research before proceeding. I was on the phone
until midnight with a new friend in Oklahoma who shared her story with me and,
after hanging up from that phone call, I was heartbroken and confused and
scared to move forward. I didn’t know if God was answering my prayers for
clarity with this phone call of warning or if the fear was from Satan trying to
deter our path {and please don’t misunderstand, this call was not meant to
dissuade us from adopting S, it was simply a way for another family to share
their story with us to ensure we had all of the information and our eyes were
open to the risks before we moved forward}.
The next morning, Dave and I decided that we should not
proceed and we needed to stay on our current path with AGCI to adopt from
Ethiopia. We felt such unease about proceeding and thought this was what God
was asking us to do. My heart was broken. And, I published this post.  We planned to call S’s
agency that evening together because I simply could not call and say the words
that meant we were turning away. Dave agreed that he would come home early so
we could call together.
But, God had better plans.
Instead of coming home early, Dave called to tell me that he
would be late. He had to finish a house that was closing on Friday and there
was no way he could get away. Too many things had come up. He also told me that
he had attended a closing that afternoon that took up some of his day.
When Dave arrived home that evening, he walked in the door
and asked, “So, what are we going to do?”
My reaction was not pretty. I thought we had made a decision
and I was trying really hard to move on. I was trying to be at peace with that
decision and now Dave stood there and opened the door just enough for
me to see the light of hope shine through. Why would he ask me that?! He knew I
was ready to move forward IF he was. And, only
if we were on the same page.
That’s when he told me about the closing. He unexpectedly
received a call from one of his friends and partners about a closing that he
had completely forgotten about. They had sold some land and needed to sign the
final paperwork. Dave left that meeting with a check for just slightly more
than the amount we would need for S’s referral payment! And, let me be clear
that this was a rather significant amount of money. The referral payment was
something we had questioned and prayed about – where would we find referral money by Friday when we haven’t planned
for this? We both felt that this was God leading and we could not ignore
His provision.
And, so, we sought out prayers. We asked for clarity and
discernment. We could feel others
praying.
I spent several hours on Thursday on my knees in a gorgeous
glass chapel on the top of a hill near our home. I prayed and read scripture. I
was led to spend time in the book of Isaiah and I listened to the song “Whom
Shall I Fear” over and over. The God of
angel armies is always by my side has become my adoption mantra. I was
reminded again and again that God is GOOD. Fear and doubt and confusion are NOT
from Him. He is bigger than a corrupt government or orphanage director. He is
bigger than the risks. He is a God of miracles today just as much as in the Old
Testament. He still reigns on His throne.
Dave and I surrendered our lives to Him long ago. We
surrendered this adoption process at His feet. He has slowly, thoughtfully,
perfectly shown us His plan for our family over time. He knew that we had to
walk through the valley of the shadow of death before we could find His light
and understand His sovereignty in ALL things. If He would have told me ten
years ago that He would ask me to spend thousands of dollars and months and
months of time to attempt to bring a little girl home from a war-torn country
in the depths of poverty and corruption to become our daughter, I would have
been overwhelmed to say the least. Yet, today, here I am. Still a little
overwhelmed but wholly trusting and confident that He is GOOD.
I called Dave from that little chapel and told him that I
believe S is our daughter and we have to try to get her out of there. Even if
it’s scary and risky and dangerous. Even if we don’t have a guarantee that we
will get her home. We have to try. We can’t turn away.
And, he agreed.
I cried tears of relief and gratefulness.
Since we made that decision, we have both felt overwhelming
peace and confidence that this is God’s path for our family and that S is our
daughter. And, we continue to receive whispers and reminders from our loving
Father through messages from friends, sermons at church, and calls from loved
ones.

He also reminds us that He will provide every penny to bring
our girl home. We can trust Him. This was never our money anyway. Remember when
I announced our raffle winner on Saturday? I told y’all the great news that we
had raised $500 with this online raffle. After publishing that post, I received
an email from our home study agency stating that we now owed an additional $500
to update our home study for a country change. $500. I received that email on
Friday but my email wasn’t working and I didn’t see it until Saturday evening after I calculated the amount received
in donations!
We have also spoken with two families that will be traveling
in the next couple of months to S’s orphanage. They can bring donations of
formula and supplies for us and they can bring her a care package {with a photo
album and dolls, etc} from us!!!! I’m THRILLED about this and want her to know
that we are here on the other side of the world longing to meet her and working
hard to get her home!
I was reminded again this morning of God’s faithfulness as I
watched my boys laugh and play together. I was reminded of the doctors {the experts} preparing us to expect the
worst when I went into pre-term labor. I was reminded of the fear and the panic
swirling around me as I lay on the gurney being wheeled to the Angel One
helicopter; while I was filled with a supernatural peace that absolutely
surpassed any and all understanding. I heard my Heavenly Father whisper, “I am
with you.” And, I knew He would perform a miracle for these two boys that He
entrusted us with. I was reminded that against all odds, these two boys are
healthy and happy and loving and perfect. They are miracles.
God is still in the miracle business and He is about to
perform another one for our family. I know it and I trust in His ability to
protect our girl and bring her home.
Will you join us in praying for her? We are immensely grateful for the prayers.  
with love,